My Twisted Blog

That's Twisted Lisa Esquire!!

2011-07-19T22:04:00.002-05:00

So I graduated from law school May 2010, and took the Bar for the first time Feb. 2011. I wasn't able to take the July Bar due to some kind of paperwork snafu. This would have put the Ex-Mr.Twisted panties' in a knot but thank God I am no longer his prisoner.

I passed the Bar!!!! First Time! Woooooo Hoooooo!!!!! They say the February Bar is the harder Bar to pass...do I care? HELL NO!

So... does anyone need a quickie divorce? ;) CHEERS!!!!!

Hello Peeps!

2011-03-05T03:05:00.002-06:00

Well, today is March 5th 2011 (barely since it's 3:06 a.m.)

I took the Bar last week. It's a miracle that I still can recognize the alphabet!

It was horrible...I will be taking it again in July....I totally bombed the essay questions.... :(

War Eagle!!!

2010-11-28T18:08:00.002-06:00

What a game! Opal had a splendid day and she says "Elephant is tasty!!"

I still have followers?

2010-10-25T14:05:00.004-05:00

I really thought that I would check out my blog and see that I had been deserted by everyone! I'm glad you are still here! (minus 2 I think :)

So, I was supposed to take the July Bar...

I get a letter from the Alabama Bar Association stating that I had not turned in the required forms and I was being removed from the exam.

This is ok, EXCEPT that it was July 4th weekend when I got the letter. I had a mini nervous breakdown (my doctor called it a "controlled spiral") and traveled 7,000 miles from July until August.

I went to see Twisted Grandma, she's 91 years old, in Oklahoma and flew to Oregon to visit relatives I hardly knew growing up.

I got scans of pictures Twisted Grandma is hoarding and got to see the west coast for the first time in my life!

$50 later (fee to reschedule the Bar) I am scheduled for The February Bar. 2/21 - 2/22 - 2/23

So the countdown begins...
AGAIN!

Oh, and P.S. The Youngest Boy, now a senior in High School has run away to his father's because I asked him to pick up after himself...

Hi Fans!

2010-06-10T23:56:00.002-05:00

I can't believe I even have any fans left since I haven't posted in a LONG time! Well, let me fill you in on what has been going on...

I finished LAW SCHOOL! WOOO HOOO! I graduated 5-9-10! The greatest Mother's Day Gift I could have given myself!

I passed my exit exam with the 3rd highest score for that exam (3 exams were given).

I am currently studying for the Bar, I take it at the end of July...

WISH ME LUCK!!!

Twisted Lisa J.D.

Be Careful With Those Picture Messages!

2010-02-01T19:32:00.003-06:00

Just thought I would let you guys know about something that happened to me last month. I got this picture message from a number I didn't recognize, it was a Tennessee area code so I was curious.

All it said was "Ahhhhhhh"

So I clicked REPLY. Now, keep in mind, I did NOT type in a new number, I clicked on REPLY to the message I had just gotten.

I said, "Where's mine?"
Unknown Number said "Who is this?"
Me "Whoever you sent the pic of the margarita to."
Unknown Number said "I haven't sent a picture of a margarita to anyone and I have no idea who this is.

Unknown Number has just been saved in my contacts as Idiot and I forwarded the pic to them.

Idiot "Who is this?"
Me "Who is this?? You texted me first!

And that was that...so I thought.

A few weeks later, I was telling my friend, Trish about this crazy this crazy text exchange.

She said, "OH! I sent you a pic of a margarita...you never responded."
I replied, "What? How can that be?"

So she sent me the pic again....BINGO! The margarita pic!

I have no idea who this person is who appeared to have sent me the pic of a margarita. I entered them in my phone as Idiot. I had no idea messages could get mixed like that. I have been told it's not possible but the proof is in my phone.

I'm just glad it wasn't a picture of someones who-ha!

Tickled "PINK"

2010-01-21T09:41:00.003-06:00

Hi guys! 186 days until the Bar Exam. I am now in complete meltdown mode! Occasionally I run across things that make me smile and here is one. Please share and help them reach a Million hits on YouTube!

Happy New Year!

2009-12-31T16:07:00.005-06:00

This has been the year of ME! My Rebirth!

And get this guys......

I

Actually

Joined

A

Gym!

I know everyone is laughing, people join gyms every day. BUT, I did it in October and I am still going! I beat the New Year's RUSH!

I have a 'personal trainer' too! We go 5-6 days a week. He kills me! I am still waiting for that "I love to workout" feeling. I think those people are just full of CRAP!

But what I do like is the eye candy at the gym, he keeps me laughing and he has seen me shrink from "miserable marriage" weight to my current pre-Mr.EX weight.

Wanna know who my trainer is????

Drum Roll Please!!!

/ \ / \ / \ / \ / \

/ \ / \ / \ / \ / \

/ \ / \ / \ / \ / \

/ \ / \ / \ / \ / \

Happy New Year!

I love being the bigger person!

2009-12-22T11:12:00.004-06:00

And I am not talking about my weight! Fortunately, I am happy and no longer in a miserable marriage. I didn't realize what a strain it had become, always waiting for the other shoe to drop, something stupid that would set Mr.EX off. His anger issues had nothing to do with me, but he is the kinda guy who always needs someone else to blame.

I decorated my fabulous house the other day. While doing so I had to separate the Mr.EX's ornaments from mine. We had a deal that he would replace something he broke and I would return his keepsake ornaments.

I returned his ornaments the other day, no word from him. I know he was hoping that I wouldn't do it, he also likes to portray himself as a victim.

Mr.EX has never been a man of his word. I now understand why he never got mad at his daughter for lying. He lives a lie, why should he get mad that his daughter is also incapable of telling the truth?

Last year we were planning on going to Cleveland for Thanksgiving (for the anniversary of A Christmas Story Movie). Apparently, Ms. Princess (my ex step-daughter, 12 years old) didn't want to go, and she also didn't want to stay with her father for an entire week. So she and her mom concocted a terrible lie about how she was afraid to fly. When she came over for the weekend I asked her about her sudden fear of flying,

Ms.Princess "Yeah, I'm afraid to fly now."
Me "Oh that's too bad, you won't be able to fly to California with us."
Ms. Princess "OH! I'LL FLY TO CALIFORNIA!"
Me "Busted"

Her ears and face turned red. She wasn't used to being matched with someone who actually saw what she was doing and called her on it. She told her friends at school I was a mean bitch! LOL! No, I wasn't mean, just apparently smarter than her mom and dad.

Mr.EX never wanted to correct her faults so he just ignored them. He liked to say "She only spends 4 days a month with me, what am I supposed to do?" Which fit his victim mentality so when she ends up being a complete and total bitch like her mother, he can place all blame on the mom.

I am glad that I didn't have to shop for those people this Christmas. It's hard buying for Ms. Princess, she gets everything she wants when she asks for it, or rather has a meltdown in Wal-Mart that would make a 2-year-old proud. She actually said last year that she hated December. I asked her why. Her response was, "Cause I can't get what I want, WHEN I want it! I have to WAIT for Christmas!!" Which was funny because she never had to wait for anything. She had brand new things every time she came over.

There was one story she told about some rabbit stuffed animals she had. I asked her why she had 3 large stuffed animal rabbits exactly alike. "Well, my grandma took me to Toys R Us and told me I could pick out a stuffed animal. I didn't see anything I liked so I just got something I already had." Apparently this had happened more than once!

I can bet money that she asked for something for Christmas that she already had and still didn't know how to use, like a new cell phone or mp3 player. It's really quite sad.

I hope all my readers had a great Christmas too! I loved being home with my boys and spending time only with them and my great friends!

AND, I made an A in my Domestic Law class!!! Go figure with all the work I did on my own divorce!

Ringtones, do you know what your ringtone is?

2009-11-17T13:21:00.006-06:00

I love Ringtones! I got a new phone not too long ago with the Android Operating system on it. I love the phone which was designed to compete with the iphone, although I still accidentally butt dial my friends with the touch screen.

I have always had a different ringtone for all my friends so that I could know who was calling without looking at the screen. Mr.EX used to have the Wicked Witch Theme when his first ex-wife called.

The other day my friend MC was at my house and she called my cell phone because I didn't know where it was. When we heard it ringing she gasped! Is THAT my ringtone???

I was soooo busted, here is her ringtone! She told Ger about my ringtones so one day he called me when I was with him.

BUSTED AGAIN!! and NO, it doesn't mean anything other than us being on the front row for the KISS concert! Here is a pic I took that night. It was amazing!

So it's been a little joke among my friends, they call me when I am around to see what their ringtones are. I may have to change some before I am really busted!

Crazy Bitch (from Buckcherry who opened for KISS)
Love Drunk
I Gotta Feeling
I'm Yours
Addicted

And NO, I am not listing who belongs to these ringtones!

Opal! Bad Girl!

2009-09-22T05:43:00.002-05:00

Opal Update...

She's a smart puppy! During my last exams she decided that she was not getting enough attention. It was my hardest semester of law school and I was totally immersed in my studies.

I let her out in the yard to run around and get some exercise and wasn't really paying attention to what she was doing. She apparently got a little too close to the pool and then found some dirt. Nice, fertile, BLACK DIRT!

She came running back to the house and when I picked her up, mud dripped between my fingers! She went straight to the tub! The downstairs tub is huge, it's an indoor Jacuzzi tub that is bigger than the tubs put in new houses today. Two people can sit in it side by side and it has a heater that heats the water too! The down side is that it takes a LOT of water to fill it.

As you can see behind her, the gazillion gallons of water it took to bathe her was BLACK and she wasn't even clean yet! The tub was just as hard to clean as she was!

My school load has lessoned so poor Opal won't be neglected as much anymore.

I could've written this song!

2009-08-21T17:09:00.002-05:00

I have made it through another semester of Law School, I did quite well considering everything that was going on. I moved, became officially divorced and was stalked by a guy who is no longer a friend of mine. It's really sad when someone who you think is a friend moves in for the kill when you are wounded and hurt.

I have 6 more classes left and I am scheduled to graduate in May. I don't even have to put 2010 behind it anymore! I take Domestic Law this fall, I should make an A. My attorney is the professor and I did a lot of the grunt work in my own case. Saved me TONS of money!

This song goes on the playlist for my housewarming, divorce, freedom party!

Say It (Blue October)

It’s all about steam
It’s all about dreams
It’s all about making the best out of everything
You’ll know when your fine
Cause you’ll talk like a mime

You’ll fall on your face
You get back up and you’re doing fine
“a considerate clown, a preachy preaching machine”
is one of the sweetest things you would say about me
but I don’t have the time for your distorted esteem
why are you toying with my mind?

I don’t wanna hear you say say say say say say say say it
I don’t wanna hear you say say say say say say it
I don’t wanna hear you say say say say say say say say it
Now you’re messing with my pride

Look, You think you’re smarter than me
Well everyone knows you will never be smarter than me
That’s how it goes
I gained forty pounds because of you
Was there an “S” on my chest
Well I confess, you were too much stress
I’d have a heart attack at best
So now I breathe it out, I breathe it out
I spit it on the crowd cause they lift me up, they lift me up, they lift me up

When I’m feeling down
What am I spitting out? spitting out, something we never talk about
It’s called my …mind

I don’t wanna hear you say say say say say say say say it
I don’t wanna hear you say say say say say say it
I don’t wanna hear you say say say say say say say say it
Now you’re messing with my pride

I’m sick of standing in your line
So now you’ll have to take it
take this to heart
I will never let you fuck me over
Stop talking down to me your war is old
your game is over
So here’s my colder shoulder

I don’t wanna hear you say say say say say say say say it
I don’t wanna hear you say say say say say say it
I don’t wanna hear you say say say say say say say say it
Now you’re messing with my pride

Something we don’t talk about
Something we never talk about

In Honor Of Today! 8/7/09

2009-08-07T21:48:00.004-05:00

In honor of my divorce decree being entered today. Here's a tune that speaks to me.

Freedom '90
George Michael

I won't let you down
I will not give you up
Gotta have some faith in the sound
It's the one good thing that I've got
I won't let you down
So please don't give me up
Because I would really, really love to stick around

Heaven knows I was just a young boy
Didn't know what I wanted to be
I was every little hungry schoolgirl's pride and joy
And I guess it was enough for me
To win the race? A prettier face!
Brand new clothes and a big fat place
On your rock and roll TV
But today the way I play the game is not the same
No way
Think I'm gonna get me some happy

I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I told you so
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone else I've got to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Take back your singing in the rain
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take

Heaven knows we sure had some fun boy
What a kick just a buddy and me
We had every big shot good-time band on the run boy
We were living in a fantasy
We won the race
Got out of the place
I went back home got a brand new face
For the boys on MTV
But today the way I play the game has got to change
Oh yeah
Now I'm gonna get myself happy

I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I stopped the show
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone I forgot to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Don't think that I'll be back again
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take

Well it looks like the road to heaven
But it feels like the road to hell
When I knew which side my bread was buttered
I took the knife as well
Posing for another picture
Everybody's got to sell
But when you shake your ass
They notice fast
And some mistakes were built to last
That's what you get

I say that's what you get

That's what you get for changing your mind
And after all this time
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes
Do not make the man

I'll hold on to my freedom
May not be what you want from me
Just the way it's got to be
Lose the face now
I've got to live

Spontaneous Beach Trip 2

2009-07-27T18:58:00.005-05:00

Ok, so I did study while I was out in the sun!

Panama City Beach!!!

My friend, Mary Catherine invited me to her mom's place in Panama City Beach. All I had to do was drive her mom's van down there for her and bring our Cabana Boy, Gerry.

Gerry has become a good friend of ours, another positive thing from Facebook. I knew Gerry in high school, in fact, I had a huge crush on him. Something I had repressed in my memory until we rode for 5 hours together in the car. He started talking about football, and our 1982 State Championship and things started coming back to me.

My cousin wanted to send me a baseball jersey from her high school in Kentucky and asked me what number I wanted on the back...

When he mentioned his number, Eleven, I gasped! That was the number I chose for my jersey.

Funny thing about crushes, we would have never gotten along. I am thankful for his friendship now...

but hey!

He made an awesome Cabana Boy, here he is bringing us fresh beverages while we were floating in the ocean.

Life is good my friends!

Some Beach, Some Where!

2009-07-03T08:00:00.000-05:00

Wow, I can't believe it's been since 6/3 since I posted. I have been so busy, working, packing, moving, unpacking, school...

and the occasional, spontaneous BEACH TRIP!

I can't believe how isolated I had become in the last 4 or so years. I have really missed my friends. One of them had a free condo for the weekend so off we went.

It was nice to get away, away from the insanity which is my divorce.

Update on that...

Trial date was continued so the new trial date is 8/6. It may have to be continued again, it's right before my finals. Our judge is not going to be happy if he has to hear this case. It's just not worth it. I sent Mr. X my final counter proposal, after that, I will either increase everything or let it go to trial. He will end up paying his attorney the difference in the amount I am asking and the amount he has offered.

I have also been working diligently to prepare. It's not going looking good for him. Everything he claimed in the interrogatories I have found proof to dispute. He actually attacked me as a mother. He stated about the Youngest Boy, "she told him that he should not drink alcohol but her actions spoke louder than her words."

I find that quite amusing considering I have a picture of his daughter bringing him a beer in her bathing suit, hip cocked, making the Peace sign in her other hand.

Talk about your glass houses and throwing stones.

I promise to post more. I have actually started another blog. As soon as I get more than a few posts on it, I will let you guys know where it is!

Moving

2009-06-03T18:52:00.004-05:00

"I get by with a little help from my friends."
- John Lennon

I am so very appreciative of my friends. This is a shout-out to them.

As some of you may know, I have been locked out of my home for 4 months, I had a POD delivered on Saturday and was told by Mr.X that he would not allow me in to pack up my belongings unless it was convenient for him. He wasn't going to be available until that following Friday.

I saw his ex-wife enter the house on Tuesday with a key, I was not happy about this considering that I did not give her permission or allow her access to my belongings.

So....

I moved 75% of my things during the next 2 days. Apparently, Mr.X was out of town. I wonder how the judge is going to feel about him allowing her into the house and not allowing me and also the subsequent harassment by her.

I had my Friends helping me. One friend in particular asked me why I was so nice to (didn't smack) the ex-wife who thought she had the right to come walking right inside the house while we were there, without knocking. I just told her that it wasn't worth it. Mr.X will have to explain himself to the judge. I did, however, call the police the second time she came barging in and filed a report.

The highlight of the day was when the Daughter of Mr.X gave the "finger" to the teenage boys who were moving my furniture as her mother drove off. Sweet.

But Kudos to my Friends! Thanks for your help and there is probably only another load left and we will have a HUGE celebration when I am finally out!

Life's A Beach!

2009-05-25T11:20:00.005-05:00

Have a safe and fun Memorial Day! I am spending my holiday and week at the Gulf Coast. The weather was supposed to be awful but it ended up being beautiful. Just a little relaxation before coming home to deal with Mr.X and moving all of my belongings that he continues to hold hostage.

Thanks to all of those who serve and protect our freedoms so that we can all sit on the beach.

Kite Flying Expert (Youngest Boy)

Oldest Boy, having successfully completed his first year at Auburn and acquiring enough hours to almost be a junior (AP classes)! AND, still has his scholarship, which has been a problem for some freshmen!

School's Out For Summer!

2009-05-21T19:55:00.009-05:00

Today was the last day of regular school. Yippeeeee! Due to the economic climate and the mis-spending of our City Council and our School Board, they had to lay off 20 school bus drivers. This could have been bad for me if I had not been driving a bus for 7 years, but I was spared.

It DID however cause a shakeup in our routes. I got a route closer to my new home!! (more on that later!!)

After I dropped the kids off for the last time, I ran some errands and came back to where I am temporarily staying. This is what was waiting for me on the ground.

Of course this intrigues me because I just got word today that I passed all my classes this semester!!! Wooo Hooo!!! Straight Cs but after all I have been through, I take them with pride.

So, after a little investigating I discover that the landlord who owns my friends place also owns the entire street basically and he had a dumpster delivered to throw out some stuff that previous tenants had left. There is no telling how long this stuff has been in storage....

SO, I had to take a peek, right?

You won't believe what I found. Apparently, a lawyer had vacated a property and left behind EVERYTHING, right down to his wedding album...but hey, if his marriage turned out like my last one...good riddance, right?

I don't think that anyone told the Bride that you could see right through her crocheted dress, or maybe that was the point. The other family members in the pictures didn't look very happy!

Along with files that probably should have been shredded, there were a few volumes of the Code of Alabama. If I was a true dumpster diver, I would have gone all the way in to see if the complete set was there...but I am NOT. I do have my limits.

This was in perfect shape and I like it!

This is pretty cool, the artist is G.R. Cheesebrough, and it's numbered and signed.

AND....This is sooooo cool I can't believe it. The autograph appears to be real, it looks like it got a little wet and the Y bled a little. I LOVE IT!

Last but not least, I pulled this out for my friend, Cindy. She was pining away for a 'hard body' to snuggle at night so when I saw him in the dumpster, I couldn't resist. Funny thing was, when I pulled him out of the dumpster, he was wearing 2 womens aprons. You guys don't know how funny and ironic that happened to be, but more on THAT later.

My law school has changed their schedule so now, for the first time in forever, I have some time off from work which coincides with the school break. The latest motion Mr.X asked for was such a hit in my circle, that one of my newest friends offered me his place at the beach for a week or so. (Say what you want about Lawyers, the ones I know are AWESOME!) The timing is great because Mr.X wants to be allowed to hover over me when I get my things and only allow me to pack when he is there and during times that are only convenient for him. That is why we will spend another day in court. But it will just show the judge the kind of person he is and help with the upcoming trial.

So cheers!!! The next blog post will be from the sand!

Happy Belated Mother's Day!

2009-05-11T09:46:00.002-05:00

Things are looking up for me, I had a most wonderful Mother's Day and my trial date has been set for 6/23. Mr. X wants to have a 'settlement conference' but there is no way that he is wasting any more of my time. He wants to save money but this is not the way to do it. If he wants to meet then he is going to have to pay all my attorneys fees. It won't look good to the judge that he won't discuss anything without making me pay my attorneys.

All he has to do is make an offer, after all, I was the last one to make an offer. But, I will continue to deposit his temporary support check until the trial. I'm not sure my attorney won't postpone until we get the interrogatories answered and all of the discovery asked for.

We shall see!

8 more school days left til SUMMER!

Crawfish Heaven!

2009-05-02T19:40:00.004-05:00

I got my fill of crawfish again! I went to the Shaeffer Eye Center Crawfish Boil and the VIP tickets include unlimited Crawfish! I have 2 exams left and ran into one of my professors. Fortunately, I had already taken (tanked) my Evidence exam. According to this professor, so did everyone else! I gave him my potato that came with my crawfish, maybe he will give me a couple of extra points in exchange!

Friends at the Boil, See me? I'm taking the pic! Always the one behind the camera!

Here are some updated pics of Opal. She is waiting for Crawfish scraps!

Exams and then Summer!

2009-04-20T18:31:00.004-05:00

Woooo Hoooo! I got the electives I wanted and am registered for the Summer Semester.

You may not be hearing much from me until exams are over. My nails are long, nice and pretty (by the time I take my exams, I chew them all off!)

These exams should be easier to handle since I don't have to baby Mr.X and try to study too. I sometimes wonder how he is getting along without me shopping for ALL of the groceries, driving my bus at 3:00, then coming home to put dinner on the table and rushing out the door to head to class at 5:45. Then I would come home from class between 8:30 and 9:00 and do it all over again, 4 nights a week. A huge burden has been lifted! And I am not at all bitter that had I not broken my foot from standing in Mr.X's piece of crap kitchen chair, I would be graduating in 5 days.

Summer Semester

Conflict of Laws
Pleadings and Practice
Law Office Practice
Municipal Court Practice and Procedure

Fall Semester

Wills
Domestic
Senior Seminar I

Spring Semester

Ethics
Trusts
Senior Seminar II

More Crawfish!!

2009-04-20T11:49:00.010-05:00

My friend Terri dragged me to a Baptist fundraiser Saturday. Baptists make me laugh but I couldn't turn down Crawfish. They were raising money so they could got to Brazil and witness to the heathens down there. But hey, it was CRAWFISH!

After showering the Cajun stink off of us, we went to see Damon Johnson and his new band The Welfare. I have been a Damon Johnson fan since Brother Cane and he arranged and recorded one of my all time favorite Christmas Songs, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen. The actual song is not my favorite but this version makes it a favorite.

A friend of mine from High School was on hand for some Cougar Training 101

Things overheard in the Cougar Den:

"Who is this guy and why does he keep touching me?"
"Cause you accidentally touched his butt."
"Ohhh"

"My feet hurt, when will the band stop playing so we can meet them?"
"Cougars NEVER show their discomfort...(age)."
"Ohhhh"

Mr.X Update

2009-04-14T19:23:00.004-05:00

I went to my attorney's office yesterday and picked up Mr.X's answers to our interrogatories.

All I can say is "wow"...and then smile and then laugh.

Why am I smiling?

It amazes me that his parents never taught him that lying is bad....very very bad.

He also didn't answer all the questions...sooooo, we just sit and waste time...probably to the tune of $375 an hour for his attorney. I have heard that his law firm is very 'diligent' in their billing. If they even THINK about a client while in the bathroom, they bill for it!!

Oh well...Mr.X wanted it this way. I'm just along for the ride.

Easter Cajun Style!

2009-04-12T10:16:00.004-05:00

I helped a friend put up a ceiling fan Friday night and he took me to meet his Cajun neighbors. These guys were really cool! (except for being LSU alums and fans)

They had family come in for the weekend bringing huge quantities of live CRAWFISH! Some of you may not know that I ADORE crawfish! These were the BEST I have ever had!!

They had the regular onions, corn and potatoes in the boil but they also added mushrooms and huge cloves of garlic!

Wow, that's all I can say....and my hands are still orange!

Do what you gotta...

2009-04-07T18:47:00.002-05:00

Businesses are tanking all over, so why not merge and combine services?
Heck, if you work your ass off all day to pay for day care, you are gonna need a beer at the end of the day!

My Lucky Day

2009-04-06T13:30:00.005-05:00

I used to be one of those kids who could stand and look at a patch of clover and find a 4-leaf just about every time I tried.

I found one yesterday while walking Opal. It was just there!

Today I went to the accountants office to sign the income tax returns for 2008. Mr.X told me that the State refund (we had to pay federal) would be direct deposited into his account. When the accountant told me that the check would be mailed to our home address, I asked her about this.

She said that Mr.X didn't want to write his account number on a form that I was going to see. This made me laugh!

I wonder why his attorney hasn't complied with our request for production of documents. They had 30 days. This is just a very expensive delay on Mr.X's part and it's all going to be on there, if it isn't, it's just perjury, AGAIN.

Copies of pay stubs
ALL accounts his name is on, including his mother's
Statements of these accounts
Canceled Checks
and the list goes on...

Now he is going to have to wait forever for the refund to be mailed....lol.

Warning! Strong Language!

2009-03-31T18:43:00.003-05:00

8. Lily Allen - Fuck You - For more funny videos, click here

This is my favorite song, today anyway. I want to produce the music video. THIS is NOT a music video...but I am giving them time and a huge 'shout-out' about my idea for the song. The lyrics are great and this is what I see, tell me if you agree after you listen to the song.

Keep in mind, there is NO WAY that this song will be played on the radio!

Lily Allen singing, (close-up then pan to the side)
Broadway type stage, lots of lights. Man in drag, you know the pretty kind, takes up singing only lip-syncing. Dressed in a Rockettes type costume.

Pan out
Chorus starts
Chorus line of Drag Queens doing a high kick type Rockettes kind of high kick.

I know you all can see it!?! Right?

I can SO produce this video...choreographer anyone?

Oh Happy Day!

2009-03-31T17:06:00.002-05:00

I just love it when a person perjures himself on the stand! During a court proceeding that is being recorded by a court recorder! Especially when there is digital proof to impeach them later, like in a trial?

Some people have a knack for recording and documenting EVERYTHING...maybe it's an OCD thing. I do it...

These are the clients attorneys love!

The plaintiff lies, and out comes documentation to prove otherwise...

And remember this blogfans...perjury is a crime. And, it really makes you look like a loser...or someone who isn't smart enough to know better.

So, my advice to everyone...tell the truth under oath, and save those incriminating pictures and emails. It makes attorneys happy!

Cheers!

It's Spring!

2009-03-30T09:09:00.003-05:00

I love this time of year! It's a teeny bit of nice weather those of us in Alabama call Spring! Pretty soon, the humidity will be unbearable and it will be 100 degrees in the shade.

We spent Saturday over at the house of a dear friend, Otis. We grilled ribeyes, I made my famous twice-baked potatoes and we chilled by the lake.

I helped Otis with his computer. Funny how people who work with computers ALL DAY can be in need of help at home! He had so much adware and malware it wasn't even funny.

I downloaded him some new tunes, (he has Poison and Elvis on the same CDs!) I think I got him caught up to 2006, maybe 2007!

Here's to Spring! It will only be here another week or so!

I WON! I WON!

2009-03-28T21:15:00.003-05:00

You know, God really has a sense of humor. I totally believe it.

As some of you followers may know, it's been almost 9 weeks since Mr.X punched me in the chest and threw me and my two boys out of the house. There has been no sex for this chick for a WHILE!

I hate to admit it, but the sex with Mr.X was not the best I have ever had, but I was totally smitten with Mr.X so it didn't seem as important but.........

Girls, if you are dating a guy who 'wants it' less than you do from day ONE, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

On THAT note...I have won a very special contest Tenakim was having!

I won $65 from Eden Fantasys !!

Now...what do I want?? I have a purple JackRabbit I got in New Orleans, the Blue Bullet... I will let Mr.X keep that one, it's really his.

So what shall it be??? Any suggestions???

I have a Disorder

2009-03-24T11:23:00.003-05:00

I will come right out with it. I have Silent Tourette's Syndrome.

You read that right...SILENT Tourette's syndrome. It's where I am in a situation, usually alone and alone in my thoughts and a thought comes to me and I scream in my head "F*CK YOU!". But only in my head.

Then a while later, I will see something that reminds me of a life I once had and I scream in my head, "YOU MUTHER F*CKER!"

I have been told that this affliction is normal and will pass in time, just as long as I don't start screaming the obscenities out loud. Although, I can see that happening in the right situation.

Stupidity usually brings it out in me, so I apologize in advance. My divorce is probably going to drag on for a while, a year maybe. After that, I should be cured!

I believe....

2009-03-20T10:30:00.007-05:00

My friend Terri once dragged me to a New Age Festival in town. I had no idea what was in store for me, but I was open to anything as I was going through my first divorce after 15 years of marriage.

I ran into a Tarot Reader who sat me down in front of her and started shuffling her cards. I cut the deck and she started laying the cards out in front of me.

Reader: "Wow, I see your divorce. Has your husband ever hurt you?"
Me: "No", I laughed at the thought. My first husband never even spanked the kids, he would never lay a hand on anyone.
Reader: "But I see violence, I want you to be careful, be very careful."
Me: "Okay, I will."
Reader: "I don't usually tell my clients that their marriage will never work, but this will never work. If I see that things can work, I suggest counseling. You can't repair this marriage."

I knew that my marriage wasn't working, after all, we were getting a divorce. I was confused at her obvious concern, knowing my husband, but I took her advice and was careful.

Now I am beginning to wonder if she wasn't seeing my current marriage instead. It fits, the violence, the threats, the fact that my marriage cannot be saved by counseling. Marriage counseling only works when both people want to save the marriage. Mr. Ex apparently has too many things suppressed deep down inside of him and I think he is actually afraid of therapy. He wouldn't even go when his daughter was seeing someone and needed help. I am hoping that the judge may order an evaluation like in the comment of my last post. I think it will help his relationship with his daughter and if he ever decides to share his life with someone else.

The best part of my reading was the end, after all the warnings...

Reader: "Just be very careful, please listen to me."
Me: "I understand."
Reader: "Ahhhh, and the last card, The Family Card. Here is the family you always wanted. Here is your family."

I always thought she meant Mr. Twisted and his daughter. Now I know that wasn't the case.

Who knows what she saw. Maybe she saw me and my 2 boys and Opal. Maybe she saw someone who wouldn't lie to me, keep secrets from me. Maybe she saw someone who would appreciate all that I have to offer.

I do know that I am on the right track. Instead of the sorrow someone would normally feel about a failed marriage, I feel hopeful and happy, looking forward to the future.

Happy St. Paddy's Day!

2009-03-15T09:11:00.004-05:00

I am going on a mini vacay with my 2 boys so I am posting a wee bit early.
Opal is One Lucky Pup, but some of us are not so lucky.

By conservative estimates, 1.5 million women in the United States are assaulted by their intimate partners every year. (Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, National Institute of Justice and Centers Disease Control and Prevention, July 2000)

Domestic Violence includes a wide range of abuse, including:

* Physical Assaults
* Sexual Assault
* Psychological abuse
* Threats
* Intimidation
* Emotional abuse
* Isolation
* Manipulation of children
* Economic control
* Destruction of property or pets

A recent national survey of 8,000 women found that women whose partners were jealous, controlling or verbally abusive were significantly more likely to report being raped, physically assaulted, and/or stalked by their partners. "Having a verbally abusive partner was the variable most likely to predict that a woman would be victimized by an intimate partner." (NVAW Survey, July 2000)
(Information provided by Harriet's House)

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, get help. If you don't think you need help, if you think it won't happen again, read this blog, Violence Unsilenced.

Opal has a Boyfriend!

2009-03-11T12:54:00.002-05:00

There is this cute little Puggle who lives down the street. His name is Rocket and Opal has fallen in love with him. She sits on her porch and waits for him to come jogging down the street. Rocket's owner is quite fun to hang out with too!!

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Here's to Health!

2009-03-08T08:10:00.001-05:00

This is my early update:

Wednesday was my 5th week anniversary of "The Awakening". (Soon-to-be) Mr. EX punched me in the chest and locked me and my 2 sons out of our home.

It's funny that this story says that it took Chris Brown 9 days to apologize to Rihanna. I got an "I'm sorry for the way things ended" voicemail 3 weeks after. That's about it. Guess I will wait for the real apology til Hell Freezes Over. It should be something like, "I'm sorry that I loathe myself so much that I destroy everything in my path."

On the up side of this whole ordeal, I have met the most wonderful people. Caring, generous, thoughtful people.

I decided last Saturday to 'give back'. Since I don't really have anything to give, yet, I decided to give blood.

When they pulled up my info, they informed me that I was a 2 Galloneer! I have given more than that considering I donate to the Red Cross and also LifeSouth, these were just the LifeSouth statistics.

I got this nifty travel mug!

Since I don't have a scale (locked up with Mr.Ex) I will just post my current health stats:

Blood Pressure: 120/80 (waaaaaaay down since "The Awakening")
Cholesterol: 165
Pulse: 68

According to this article, my health should continue to improve!

SnOpal

2009-03-06T12:28:00.001-06:00

It's not often that we have snow in Alabama. It's even more rare that we get snow that sticks to the ground and doesn't cause everything to shut down. The Snow Gods shined down on us last Sunday and here are some pics!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

WalMart is Rolling Back Prices!

2009-03-03T19:12:00.003-06:00

In this economy, Wal-Mart is doing something to help out their loyal customers.
They have a new strategy for making money, it's called "ripping off the stupid people".I think it's a test to see if their shoppers have any math skills whatsoever. You know the ones...they pay full price for things that they never use at all. Clothes that hang in the closet with tags, glaring at them, SCREAMING - FULL PRICE!!! FULL PRICE!!!I NEVER pay full price for anything unless it is the absolute end of the world and I get sick to my stomach when I do.

I know I am not a perfect shopper. I peruse the bargain bins and sometimes buy a $169 blouse for $2.99 cause I KNOW I am going to fit into it one day. It hangs in my closet and eventually I will get in it, or, someone in a Thrift Store will be ecstatic. Even then, it's good karma.

But come on Wal-Mart!! This is not going to do anyone any good!

Hallelujah!!!!

2009-02-26T19:27:00.002-06:00

I can't believe it, I just got my Summer Registration papers and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel....AND IT'S NOT A TRAIN!!!

It's Lady Justice....WOO HOO! Look at what I have left.

Summer Semester

Conflict of Laws
Pleadings and Practice
Elective I (TBA)
Elective II (TBA)

Fall Semester

Wills
Domestic
Senior Seminar I

Spring Semester

Ethics
Trusts
Senior Seminar II

See you at the BAR! The Alabama State Bar, that is!

I've been tagged!

2009-02-23T23:20:00.005-06:00

Yeah, blogging material. I have not had many ideas for my blog lately. Fracas tagged me!!!!

Well, not that I can blog about now...but I will blog about later! A lot of you have been asking me how I have been doing, where I am staying and what really happened to end my marriage.

All the nasty details will come...just be patient.

So, now for the TAG.

7 random or weird things:

1. I have decided that 2009 is the YEAR of Twisted Lisa! It's all about ME!
2. I used to drink, A LOT...but now, after being ejected from my home, I discovered I don't NEED to drink anymore...imagine that! Life is GOOD!
3. I have one year left of Law School.
4. I was run over by a car when I was 2. Back tire and front tire over my abdomen.
5. I have no tolerance for stupidity...
6. I can't stand people who can't tell the truth yet proclaim to be honest.
7. I believe in Karma... it rocks.

Now for the taggees.

1. Terri
2. Nicólle
3. Susan
4. Tena
5. Leigh
6. Lipstick
7. Bake or Break

Chicken Butt

2009-02-19T09:10:00.001-06:00

Opal is chillaxin a bit. For some reason her butt reminds me of a raw chicken....do you see it?

Just Checking In!

2009-02-16T13:09:00.005-06:00

In the middle of Mid-Terms this week...so I am just checking in.

I found a great new wine... Little Black Dress.

I pick my wines solely on the bottle design and cost (less than $15, $10 is PERFECT)

I like quirky bottle designs and ones that speak to me at the time...this one did.

For all of you asking about Opal, here she is...she's doing just fine and so am I.

Thanks for all your emails and support.

Looking Forward to the Weekend!

2009-02-12T09:59:00.003-06:00

All things considered, this Valentine's Day is actually going to be one of the best!

It's going to be all about me, which is nice for a change.

I have been invited to a Singles get-together with some old High School Chums...(Facebook is becoming my new best friend!)

I have lost touch with so many people, people who were much fun, it feels good to laugh again. I didn't think I was going to be happy again after Mr. X but I quickly realized that I was the fun one and I don't need him to be happy.

KISS!

2009-02-09T23:20:00.005-06:00

I decided to join Tenakim on her bloggy diet journey.

I am waaaaay ahead of everyone right now though...This month I lost a 200 pound ASS.(~~Mr. Twisted~~ Mr. X.)

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!

2009-02-06T23:14:00.005-06:00

Weird that I have heard that song two times in the past couple of days. A blast from the past for sure!

And that is exactly what we have been doing today. The Girls decided I needed a total make-over. I didn't realize what a strain the past couple of years have been and what it has done to me as a person. You can kinda let yourself go when you have to deal with a true drama queen. I didn't realize that ~~Mr. Twisted,~~ Mr. X, was in the "really high maintenance" category, until now, stepping back and seeing the forest and the trees.

But enough about him and his problems...

The Girls and I went out, I got my hair colored and cut, new makeup, manicure and pedicure, new clothes and even new undies.

At dinner, I guess we got a little carried away. The men at the table next to us ended up paying for our dinners. "We had so much fun just sitting next to you girls, listening in, it was the least we could do."

I feel like a new person, it's good to be back in the real world!

Reverence to Breakfast Past

2009-02-05T09:06:00.002-06:00

I used to make Eggs Benedict for Mr. Twisted on the weekends, from SCRATCH. Now he can find someone else to do it.

Here is the recipe, from what I can remember since I am still locked out of the house without my possessions.

3 egg yolks
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 tablespoon water
1 stick of unsalted butter cut in 3rds, room temperature
white pepper
salt

Whisk egg yolks in a double boiler. Yes, DOUBLE BOILER, add lemon juice and water. Add 1/3 of butter, whisk until melted, continue with rest of butter.

While doing this, poach 2 eggs. I use the Toastmaster EggHead.

Add salt and white pepper to your own liking and if the Hollandaise sauce gets to be too thick, add warm water from the bottom of the double boiler.

Toast English Muffin, warm Canadian bacon.

Assemble:

English muffin
Canadian Bacon
Poached Egg
Hollandaise Sauce

Enjoy!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-02-04T06:12:00.004-06:00

Friends Forever!

2009-02-01T19:26:00.003-06:00

I just want to thank all my friends. The ones in real life and the ones 'in the internet'!

Mr. Twisted believed that he could treat me as he liked because I wouldn't have any one to turn to. He speaks of truth and karma but doesn't realize that they apply to him too. His secrets are the ones that destroy everything in his life dear to him. If he doesn't face his own demons, he will continue down this path.

I am really sad that things ended. I loved him, dearly. I told him almost every day how much I appreciated him and how much I loved him. We laughed and had the best times of my life. He just doesn't like people knowing the real him and once I did, he tried to push me out of his life. This time, it's for good.

We all have demons, what makes life wonderful is when you find the person who accepts you, demons and all.

I accepted his demons, maybe one day he will be able to accept his own. I wish him the best.

So bloggers, when life hands you lemons, you and your friends take them to the nearest mexican restaurant and have them make margaritas! That's what we did!

New Development

2009-01-31T14:12:00.004-06:00

Well folks... My blog posts may be a bit sporadic in the future.

I am sort of homeless right now. Mr. Twisted got upset about something that happened, something I didn't do. While I totally understand his anger, I cannot forget nor forgive the closed fist punch to my chest.

It happened Wednesday night and I can still hardly move...I have no idea how boxers do it.

You know what they say, domestic violence just escalates. I am not going to allow myself to become a victim. Well, any more than I already am...right?

So forgive me, I'll be back to posting soon.

Sigh

2009-01-27T18:57:00.003-06:00

Well, well, well... Mr. Fireman.

I got a ticket a while back, right across the street from you. The ticket said "parked in front of a fire hydrant" but I was actually parked after hours in a loading zone...

A loading zone that happened to have a fire hydrant in it.

After 6:00p.m. you can park there. I often wondered what would happen if there was a fire but it seems that I am the only one who ever got a ticket there.

It isn't even listed as an offense on the ticket, and I have no idea how much it is anyway.

Mr. Fireman, you cannot claim to be inspecting the hydrant, you were no where to be found.

I am SO not paying that ticket now!

"CHEERS" - Why I’m an orphan (part 2)

2009-01-26T19:43:00.003-06:00

I orphaned myself September 2006. I became an Only Child November 2006. My ex-sister didn’t understand why I didn’t want to spend Thanksgiving with my ex-parents and we got into an argument over the phone and I told her that I was finished with my ex- parents once and for all.

She began bitching about ‘family’ and taking sides with them, and I asked her why she felt it was important for me and my two boys to be there when my ex-parents really didn’t give a shit about us in the first place?

Facts of the Case:

My ex-sister lives 2.5 hours away in Atlanta. She is a professional in business for herself. She lives with her boyfriend of 8 or so years. Her boyfriend has a home in Atlanta with a basement filled with classic arcade games, a beach house in Panama City Beach, and a houseboat on Lake Lanier, complete with hot tub and slide off the top.

My boys are 15 and 18 years. Not one time has she ever INVITED us over. Not one single time. One time I popped over to see her and met her boyfriend’s mother (on her houseboat) and she went on and on how I needed to bring my boys back when it was warm so they could swim and slide and they would have such a good time. (This is how normal people are)

You might be thinking, "her boys must be monsters"...No, my boys are polite and well-behaved. They always have been. But they ARE (were), CHILDREN. My ex-parents never really could tolerate children, they are loud, they carry germs, they don't eat weird food and there is a possibility they may break something totally material and useless in their house.

This never happened.

And they only make over $400,000 a year...it would be a terrible hardship for them to replace some useless, unused piece of crap, right?

My ex-parents happened to live 10 miles from us (they currently live less than a mile from us). On their way home from work, they actually passed within 2 miles of our house. They never had any time to drop by and see their ONLY two grandchildren. They were “too busy”. They had to get home to the dogs, who have an outside doggie door (and alcohol).

I asked my sister:

Me: “Why is it that with a beach house and a houseboat and a basement full of arcade games, you NEVER ONCE invited me or your nephews over?”
Ex-Sister (stammering, sighing, takes a deep exasperated breath) : “Because YOU were in SCHOOL!!”
Me: “click” I hung up on her. I became an orphaned only child.

I had just graduated with a B.S in criminal justice in May of the previous year. I don’t work at all during the summer. Even if I was in school, it would have been nice to have been asked. The boys and I spent the summer of 2005 at home together, me being recently divorced, just having graduated…a single mom with limited funds.

Thanks for the invite to the lake and the beach house...

Even college students get breaks, but one thing you need to understand, my sister likes to ‘party’. Kids get in the way of that. Her boyfriend is also an only child so these are the only kids she will ever be an Aunt to.

My ex-husband only gets to have the boys for 25 hours during the Christmas Holidays. During that time, he takes them to my ex-parents house so they can give them money, because that is all they care about. (Funny, they hated him when we were married.) My boys have cell phones, they never call, they like to pretend to be doting grandparents with a $1000 check at Christmas. My ex-sister is there too, ready with her checks. Awwww, how sweet, a regular Norman Rockefeller Christmas.

Outcome of the Case:

In the mail today was a cute little “Save the Date” invitation.
Apparently, my sister is getting married in Jamaica later this year. On the back of the invitation,

Travel Information :

Resort is “all-inclusive and Adult Only”

It’s just as well, her only nephews are “in school” so why bother with an invitation?

Keyword Kraziness

2009-01-24T13:59:00.003-06:00

GoogleAnalytics has provided me with the material for this post. It's fun to see what people are searching for when they land on your site. Here are a few good ones.

"twisted blogs" - yep...you landed in the right spot.

"bestbuy delivery men refuse to open package" - I like to open my own stuff!

"black cherry fresca shortage" - HELLO? I know!!!
"why can't i find black cherry fresca in the stores?" - ditto!

"awards for lisa - twisted" - Heck yeah! I love awards.

"craigslist credit card declined" - I'm not entirely sure about this but I think getting a credit card off Craigslist would be a BAD idea?

"devil paula deen"
"paula dean devil" - my sentiments exactly! Post 1, Post 2

"jon and kate divorced 2009" - Yeah, I agree with that one.

"my ccv number on my vanilla visa card won't work" - Can't help with that one, my Visa is Chocolate.

"mother-in-law on facebook" - EEWWWWWW

"school physicals undress" - uh yeah...don't know why you would search for that.

"threw keys in trash" - do you really need to google the answer for that one? GET THEM OUT!

"humor humans eat their young" - I don't even know what to say about that one.

Time for Lemonade!

2009-01-23T09:14:00.007-06:00

I wasn't told much in my previous life that I had a great attitude. I suppose I have a better attitude now that I orphaned myself September 2006.

No, I didn't kill anyone, I just came to a point in my life where I decided that there were some people not worthy of my time or effort anymore. Some people have a way of sucking the life right out of you.

I can't say that I am not still bitter...but my lemons get sweeter every day! I am a better person because of my decision.

WayneJohn gave me this award for my great attitude! Thank you!!!!

And these are the rules for the bloggers that have received the Lemonade Award:

1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate at least 10 blogs, which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude!
3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post
4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
5. Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.

I will bestow this award on a few others who have a great attitude and then I will share a story from my previous life, when my attitude was more like HappyBunny's. Okay, so it's still like HappyBunny's, change takes time.

Bloggers with great tudes!

1. Bekah!
2. Legal Diva!
3. Travis Erwin! He still blogs after losing everything in a house fire. Makes me feel horrible for bitching about our 20inch TV.
4. BonDon
5. Red Queen. She's a new blogger on an exploration to find her bloggy greatness!
6. Beck! She is special, she was my first...follower that is :)
7. Jodi!

Seven is good...some of you guys can give it to eleven people, to make up for it.

So here is my story, it has two titles...

Why I orphaned myself part 1
Why I hate Christmas part 2 (Part 1 is here)

This is Uncle Traveling Matt, he is a Fraggle from Fraggle Rock. As a teen, (and even now) I loved Fraggles!

I was 17, a senior in high school and for a year and 3 months begging my parents for a car.

Christmas morning I open a soft squishy gift and I find Traveling Matt. He's one of my favorite Fraggles, he is independent and travels the world. It's a great gift...until my ~~mom~~ ex-mom opens her mouth.

Ex-Mom: "That's Traveling Matt, he is the traveling Fraggle. Your dad and I were going to get you a Fiat (my favorite car as a teen) but when the mechanic put it up on the rack, there was too much damage underneath, so we didn't get it. We were going to take the key and put it in Traveling Matt's hand and wrap it up and give it to you that way. Wouldn't that have been great?!?!"

Me: (WTF??) "Uhhhh, yeah....great."

Ex-Mom: "What is wrong with you, it's the thought that counts?!?"

Me: (WTF????) "Yes, wonderful idea."

I waited for the punchline to this cruel joke and it never came. About three months later, my mom's car was rear-ended, leaving us one car short. At that time, they let me buy my own car which my mom drove until hers was repaired. It was a 5 year old Fiat 2000 Spyder that cost $3000. I LOVED that car! I worked at Burger King to pay for it and all the gas I used.

Six years later, two weeks after my ~~half sister's~~ ex-half sister's 16th birthday, they surprised her with a brand new Ford Probe complete with gas card. Free of charge, no job required.

When my ex-mom called me with the glorious news, she got mad when I was silent on the phone as she explained how excited and happy my ex-sister was.

Ex-Mom: "What's wrong with you? Why aren't you happy for her???" (to this day, I haven't decided if she is insane, or just plain stupid, maybe it's an unfortunate combination of both)"I don't understand why you think we treated you differently." (Yeah, cause it's totally untrue, and all those Whoppers I served were just figments of my imagination also.)

So, I know that this is not what the award was meant for...but I am Twisted that way. It feels good to let some negativity out of me...releasing it forever into the blogosphere.

I am grateful for this award and feel that it is a compliment, IN SPITE of an upbringing that should have produced a cruel, heartless, bitch...but instead produced a:

Squirrels Gone Wild

2009-01-22T13:18:00.005-06:00

I have always liked squirrels. Cute, furry, and so peaceful. Now I am beginning to think that they are truly of the rodent family and I am beginning to share a mindset not unlike those who hunt them, kill them, and eat them.

Okay, maybe not the 'eat' part but it's getting easier to imagine it.

This is my grill cover, or what's left of it.

This is video evidence of the culprit.

Opal has taken it upon herself to protect us from these vermin. After all, this entire house and yard belong to her and her ALONE!

"My YARD."

"My Chewing Stump"

"My Leaf"

"My Lookout Stump"

And most importantly...

"MY PINECONES!"

"GOT IT SQUIRRELS?"

Now outfitted with the proper "squirrel fighting" attire, Opal stands guard.

"I'm getting hungry just thinking about it!"

"Yo Quiero Taco SQUIRREL!"

Squirrel fighting is hard work. We didn't get any today, but there is always tomorrow!

Uh-oh

2009-01-20T10:15:00.004-06:00

We have two bunnies. They live outside normally but with the recent cold snap, I didn't think they would survive outside so we brought them in.

The Youngest Boy built them two cages out of these...

These things are GREAT. In addition to the wire shelving, which is great for kids and teens rooms, you can build all kinds of things out of them.

Currently, we have a playpen for Opal and various 'gates' in the doorways to the forbidden areas of the house. We used zip ties for those.

Back to the bunnies.

Because this was temporary, we didn't reinforce the cages, we built them just like the bookcases only they were 4x4 face down.

We have a Boy bunny and a Girl bunny....you know what's coming don't you?

The other day, Mr. Twisted walked into the garage and guess what?

BOTH bunnies had busted out of their cages and were 'frolicking' around the garage.

Anyone want a cute, adorable, baby bunny in about 30 days?

How about some Hasenpfeffer?

Just Plain Wrong

2009-01-20T09:29:00.004-06:00

The 50inch TV is now in the shop. It will be 2 to 2 1/2 weeks before it will be ready.

Which means....

NOT IN TIME FOR THE SUPERBOWL.

This is what we will be watching it on.

At least we will be able to HEAR the game. Go Cardinals!

Introducing Opal!

2009-01-18T08:43:00.008-06:00

World's Most Adorable Puppy!

Please forgive me for the lapse in postings. I am a new mom!

Opal came to us a week ago and just like new parents with babies, there has been a learning curve. We have been dogless for only 2 years but it's been many years since we have had a puppy.

Reasons why Opal was destined to be a part of our family:

1. She missed her flight.

I know, I did everything Cesar Milan said not to do. I found her on the internet, and was having her flown to me. Fortunately, since she missed her flight, the breeder hopped on a plane the next day and she got to fly in the cabin. When I saw how small she was (2 pounds 4 oz.), I felt very guilty and almost cried. How can they put those babies in Cargo?

2. She's not very graceful.

Maybe she will grow out of it, but.... two years ago today I crushed my right calcaneous (heel). I have a plate and 9 screws in it. Clumsy dog and clumsy owner could be bad. She also has feet that zero in on her poop. She climbs out of her bed, poops on the training pad, steps in it, then crawls back in her bed. Definitely gotta work on that!

3. She likes Bling (to chew on)

4. She likes Electronics (to chew on)

5. She has a Tude.

She didn't like her crate at first, when I would come to get her out, she would turn her back to me and not look at me. "Meh, how dare you ignore me and put me in here."

6. She likes Catnip. Well, what can I say?

7. She doesn't know the meaning of the word "NO" in fact, she thinks it's her name, which is officially, Hurricane Opal!

Effed Up Friday

2009-01-16T17:05:00.003-06:00

Remember how I told you that the bulb blew out of our 50in Samsing DLP?

Well, it wasn't the bulb. Mr. Twisted is not going to allow me to do anymore troubleshooting so we are taking it in tomorrow to get it looked at. He said it has to be back in 5 days so we can watch Lost. Uhhh, I just didn't have the heart to tell him that I think it will take longer than that.

We have moved all the furniture around in the Bat Cave to finish the basement and the projection screen is not accessible. AND with the recent cold snap.... it's FREEZING!

This is what we are currently watching. A 20in. It's extremely difficult to read the on screen guide and Mr. Twisted is not happy.

I am beginning to wonder if he thinks I 'willed' it to fail because I wanted to get a new one before Christmas. I told him not to hate me if I'm a little psychic...
Next time when I tell him to buy, he needs to BUY!

Stuck In Alabama

2009-01-14T23:52:00.005-06:00

The Oldest Boy got his first traffic ticket. Speeding in HARPERSVILLE ALABAMA.

Where is that? You ask? NO WHERE.

Me, being a woman of the digital age thought that it was a Shelby County ticket and I could pay this sucker online, AND he could possibly go to traffic school and get it 'taken care of.'

HA, this is ALABAMA. Harpersville Alabama no less, population 1,676, primary source of revenue? Speed Traps.

When I called about the ticket (court date, the next day) I discovered that:

1. They do not have credit card machines in Harpersville. (at least not in Town Hall)
2. They only take cash and cashiers checks.
3. If your court date is tomorrow, you have until 4 p.m. (They close at 4) today to pay the fine in person or they will issue a warrant for the Oldest Boy's arrest. Of course, by this time...it's tempting.
4. They also are closed for lunch from 12-12:30.

I had an appointment with my attorney (I'll save this for another post) at 10 am. I had to drive my bus at 2:40...sooooooo.

Let's drive to Harpersville, won't that be soooooo much fun?

Stop by the bank, withdraw $123 (from Oldest Boy's account)
Drive South on Hwy 280
Get to Harpersville.

Don't Blink, you might miss it.

And here is Town Hall

Yes, that's the actual door I walked through to pay for the ticket.
It says OFEICE.
They must be Italian.

I want a bailout too!

2009-01-10T07:46:00.004-06:00

Mr. Twisted and I settled in on Thursday night to watch the BCS Championship game between Oklahoma and Florida.

About 30 minutes into the game... POW!!

The bulb in our Samsung DLP (50in) had blown up. I know, I'm hearing the men gasp as they read this.

Now, we have had this TV for a few years and we are on our second bulb, this one, however, has only lasted since March when it blew up during March Madness. (I am still hearing the gasps)

I tried to get Mr. Twisted to upgrade right before Christmas when Best Buy had a Samsung 52in LCD for $1499 including installation. (the current price is $2199, wasn't that a sweet deal?)

Anyway...he is less technology addicted than I am...he doesn't appreciate 1080p as opposed to 1080i or a 35,000:1 dynamic contrast ratio, like I do. He thinks it's just 2 inches bigger. (I thought SIZE was important to men?)

So we finish watching the game on our 20 inch tube in the bedroom. Mr. Twisted wasn't happy and I only did the "I told you so" once when he said he didn't want to be paying $125 a year for a bulb for that TV.

Did I say that the TV was on sale for $1499? And now it's $2199? Yeah, I did...maybe that counts as another "I told you so". Sorry.

Last night, we were sitting in the den, staring at a 50 inch black screen.

Mr. Twisted said that in this economy, we need to be frugal with our spending.

When I saw that the Porn industry wants a $5 billion bailout, I decided that I want one too. They actually have point. They probably employ more people than the automakers and pay more taxes.

Dear Congress,

My name is Twisted Lisa and I need a bailout. My TV blew up and I need another one. Consider it a small step in keeping the economy in check. I mean, how can I order crap like Snuggies, MightyMendIt, and the latest guaranteed exercise Crap if I can't see them?

And hey, we can't watch Porn either. So I think you could be killing two birds with one stone.

Besides, there may be medical costs associated with this horrible situation. Mr. Twisted may need therapy. I may need it too after another Danbury Mint Dragon Puppet Show.

How are your resolutions coming along?

2009-01-08T19:31:00.002-06:00

I just wanted to see how everyone was doing with their New Year's Resolutions.

One of my resolutions (actually, I forgot until a few days after New Year's Eve) was to get into shape.

I think it's coming along nicely.

What do you think?

Jon and Kate - GAG

2009-01-06T21:38:00.003-06:00

Well, it's officially time for me to go back to school. I was mindlessly surfing the tube and landed on Jon and Kate Make 8.

What a complete waste of my time and grey matter.

I'm sorry if I offend anyone out there but if you watch this crap for any other reason than to make fun of how miserable and clueless these people are...you need a hobby.

Kate is totally a bitch. The show I happened to watch showed her commenting on how she wanted her husband (Jon) to look like he used to look, "thin and hot"...UH hello girlfriend? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror? Those old pics of Jon? Was that actually YOU? or some hot chick? I think it was some hot chick, cause you don't look anything like her. I can't even imagine how that tummy looks now after that monstrous baby belly you had.

I give it 5 yeasrs of her nagging and bitching before he is caught with some Ho having an affair or a big fat divorce.

Name That Pup

2009-01-05T19:31:00.003-06:00

We have so far,

Moonshine
Moonbeam
Sooner
Scout.

Anyone?
(she's a girl)

We have a due date!

2009-01-04T22:43:00.003-06:00

I promise not to turn into one of those 'mommy bloggers'. Hey, how come women who talk about life and everything in between which sometimes includes their kids are called "Mommy Bloggers"? Do men who blog about everything under the sun get lumped into a group called "Daddy Bloggers" just cause they have kids?

Anyway...for now, I am a puppy blogger. She will be arriving on 1/10/09 on her 8 week birthday. I have everything ready for her.

Tim Tebow Gator chew toy.

Big AL chew toy

and the pink tu-tu I promised.

She is coming from Oklahoma, my birthplace and home of my Grandma. If Oklahoma beats Florida on Jan 8th, Her name will be Sooner.

If not, any ideas?
We have a theme going here
Cat - Venus
Cat - Luna
Rabbit - Orbit
Rabbit - Star

The Youngest Boy wants to name her Moonshine. I am not exactly thrilled with the prospect.

I think I'll just kill myself now...

2009-01-03T09:05:00.003-06:00

I joined Facebook a long time ago. I joined when the Oldest Boy was in High School and was camera shy...but only FOR MY CAMERA. I noticed that lots of his friends posted pics of him and being the scrapbook fanatic I am (used to be) I wanted copies of all of those pics. (and to see what he was up to) I had 10 'friends' who are almost all friends of my kids and under the age of 20.

My friend Terri recently joined Facebook and BAM, she now has 17 friends. Knowing what a social introvert she is, I started poking around in Facebook where I have never gone before.

People my own age...

People who went to High School with me...

People who were in the Band with me...

UGHHHHH.......

Who ARE all these OLD people???

My circle of Real Life friends includes some of those people. But they don't look old...I guess because I have ~~aged~~ not aged with them, I haven't really noticed them getting older.

It's those people I haven't laid eyes on in ~~23 years~~ 10 years or so. WOW! You guys are really OLD!

Plus, all my friends are girls so they still have all their hair. Now I understand the whole Rogaine movement. I would want it too!

So, today, January 3, 2009, I have officially realized I am not 18 anymore. WTF?

I have removed all mirrors in the house, disabled all cameras and burned my birth certificate.

I took one last picture today to mark this occasion...

Whew, I still look the same!

Candlelight Vigil?

2008-12-31T22:49:00.005-06:00

No, it's the Youngest Boy terrorizing the neighbors.

All goes well...

Straight up in the air...

Til this one...

It hits the side of the neighbor's house... "OOOOOPS, OUR BAD!!"

Happy New Year Everyone!!!

Dismantling Christmas

2008-12-29T10:34:00.004-06:00

So the Martha Stewart pics of our Christmas have been posted. You know the ones...carefully composed shots making sure there are no piles of junk in the background. Dirty socks and shoes are tossed to the side and the pictures taken in the kitchen have no dirty dishes in them.

Now it's time to dismantle Christmas. The decorations that were so carefully put up are now being thrown in boxes to be put away until next year. Driven by the overwhelming desire to "get everything back to normal." Even though the word 'normal' is a misnomer. One day I will tell you about my 'normal' ex-life and why I chose to be an orphan.

The pictures that don't usually make it into the scrapbooks and blogs can be seen below.

When Shrinky Dinks go wrong.

The good thing about the Snoopy scene being permanently baked onto my toaster oven sheet is that I can feel the joy of the Christmas Season, year round with every piece of toast.

Cheers!

The Bestest Christmas Present Ever!

2008-12-27T22:02:00.004-06:00

Lookie what I got for Christmas!

This is NO ORDINARY LIGHT. This happens to be the most wonderful thing I have ever seen.

Glen Woodfin sent it to me and I am fighting with my kids (and Mr. Twisted) over it. I have news for them...IT'S MINE!

If you want one of your own, you can get it here at brightestflashlightintheworld.com. Don't touch mine...mine...MINE!

The first thing I did after charging it was shine it in the sky in the back yard. Then, I went to the front porch and started shining it in the windows of the neighbors. Mr. Twisted freaked out but I calmly explained to him that they WEREN'T HOME. Sheesh.

Check out the park across the culdesac...

With a minor alteration, this is what my family is going to have to use to call me when I descend into the BatCave.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

2008-12-25T09:52:00.007-06:00

I'm not wrapping it and you can't make me

2008-12-22T12:02:00.008-06:00

I got my husband a new penis for Christmas.

He gets frustrated because I have set up all the electronics and it's not so easy to watch TV, watch a DVD, anymore.

I helped him pick out the 50inch Samsung DLP when we were dating. I even went down to Charter and switched out his cable box for an HD DVR the Friday before the Superbowl. I was in BestBuy the next day listening to the salesmen tell all the men (with horrified looks on their faces) that it was too late for an HD Superbowl...Charter was closed...too bad they didn't have a girlfriend who ROCKS! (That was a quote from Mr. Twisted)

Now that we have merged and he married a girl techno geek wannabe, we have a DVD Recorder, Receiver for surround sound, and the HD DVR.

This has pushed Mr. Twisted over the edge...the remotes alone are maddening.

I have tried to program the Charter remote but it just WON'T WORK. It will work for me and then Mr. Twisted touches it and it loses all the settings. WTF?

So I bought him......

THIS..........

Those are real Angels singing in the background, not the surround sound!

Here is the problem. I decided to set this sucker up before I wrapped it, It has a rechargeable battery so I charged it first. Then I tried to set it up on my computer and I think my dvd drive is screwed up on my laptop. I can't autoplay nor explore and install software from it. Any real geeks out there have an idea? Anyway...

I finally got the software installed after downloading it from the Logitech website and couldn't get my computer to see the remote. After Googling the problem, I used a USB cord that was NOT included with the remote and it worked. (Weird huh?)

Then there was MAGIC.

I click on the touchscreen (watch TV) and BOOM, TV and DVR come on...I click the touchscreen again (Watch DVD) and the DVR turns off, the Receiver turns on, and we have a MOVIE!!!

I am glad I set it up before Christmas, that would be a pain on Christmas morning struggling with the USB issue and my computer dvd drive issue, but now it's all set up.

Problem number 2...

I stayed up til 2am last night after everyone had gone to bed, just switching channels and going from TV to DVD. It even comes with it's own little polishing cloth for fingerprints.

I don't want to wrap it and you can't MAKE ME!

why animals eat their young

2008-12-20T07:22:00.004-06:00

This week was the last week in school before the Winter Break. The kids had semester exams and a crazy daily schedule.

The Youngest boy, who had pneumonia over the Thanksgiving Holidays, had no more absences left. (If you miss more than 9 days, the schools system decides whether or not they will give you credit for the semester)

Of course, The Youngest Boy did not understand the magnitude of this even though he had missed exactly 9 days.

Text Messages from school...

Boy: "Can you check me out, we aren't doing anything. My teacher is even letting us text."
Me: "No, you can't miss any more days."
Boy: "But I didn't bring anything to do."
Me: "I can't help it."
Boy: "Everyone is LEAVING."
Me: "If you go home now, you will get to spend the entire year next year in the 10th grade, AGAIN. Stop texting me."

Then comes the message...

"U stupid bitch."

I know what you are thinking...The Youngest Boy doesn't need to think about repeating the grade...he needs to start thinking about how long it's going to take for him to sit down again.

"I didn't send that message I swear, someone else had my cell phone and sent it!"

Of course I didn't respond. The only thing that kept me from driving up to the school and beating his ass in front of all of his classmates was the fact that he never sends text messages using "U".

The next day, I get this from The Youngest Boy, his friend had given it to him to give to me.

I like the Leslie comment.

Bloggerphobia

2008-12-18T19:54:00.003-06:00

So now I have blog Stage Fright. I know that I am no UberBlogger but I was feeling pretty good about myself, my blog and my 38 followers.

Then yesterday, there were 37, then today...

36

Which really puts the pressure on. Why did they stop following me? What did I do? Are they 'cat people'? Maybe they don't like anything French, including dogs?

Of course, I went to Mr. Twisted to ~~bore him~~ talk to him about it.

Me: I had two people quit following my blog.
Mr. Twisted: Well, your blog has not been really good lately.
Me: How would you know, you don't even read it.
Mr. Twisted: I know because you haven't been making me listen to you read it to me.
Me: Well, it's hard to come up with something funny when people are dropping like flies.
Mr. Twisted: Maybe it's time for a Coaching change.

Of course, Mr. Twisted is referring to the Auburn ~~debacle~~ coaching change.

Here are my thoughts on that...

1. Apparently, Auburn is not ready for a qualified, African American coach (Turner Gill).

2. Even when Alabama was at what most fans feel is their lowest point...the women had "Eye Candy".

3. We have to look at this...and LOSE TOO?

4. At least we have some "eye candy" to look at during the Alabama/Auburn game...

Retarded Shopping

2008-12-14T10:06:00.002-06:00

I was in Best Buy, picking up the now-repaired camera The Oldest Boy dropped. (6 days after the promised return time) and I was sucked in by the sexuality of all the electronic toys.

Okay, so electronics do it for me...I know it's twisted.

Anyway, I had one of their retarded shopping carts that has the loooong bottom part and the short buggy part so that every time I turned a corner, the bottom part knocked something over. I looked like a dufus.

I was shopping for games that the Boys wanted and I got really confused. The Youngest Boy claims the XBox 360 and The Oldest Boy claims the Wii. The Oldest Boy wants Guitar Hero III World Tour for Wii and I snagged it. Thought I got a great deal too! $59

Later, I was on the phone with a friend who called me from Best Buy. (you always have to have a 'phone a friend' while shopping) "Does Singstar come on XBox?"

I google it, "Nope, it's only Playstation" and then she said...

Her: "They must have raised the price on World Tour, it's $99 now."
Me: "What? No way."
Her: "Yeah, the Legends of Rock is $59.'
Me: "Uh-oh, Let me call you back."

Youngest Boy is on the sofa while this is going on.

I run out to the car (I hide all gifts in my trunk til I can wrap them) and I look. I bought Legends of Rock for the XBox 360. Wrong on two counts.

I come back in and call her back..."Damn, I bought the wrong one."

I look over at The Youngest Boy, and I ask...

Me: "How about you, do you want Legends of Rock for the 360?"
Youngest Boy: After laughing for a few minutes, "Mom, that's just lazy."

Well, I tried. He knows how much I despise returning things!

It's a GIRL!

2008-12-13T11:56:00.003-06:00

We're having a BABY!

Well, not really...it's a furry baby. But I feel like we're expecting with all the ups and downs that comes with having a real baby.

It goes something like this.

Me: "Are we really ready to do this?"
Mr Twisted: "Can we afford a baby right now?"
Me: "Sure, and besides, you can't put a price on love."
Mr. Twisted: "It's going to be your responsibility, right?" (ok, men don't actually SAY that, they kinda take it for granted)
Me: "Of course." (and women say that knowing that there is going to be a shared responsibility of diaper changing and feeding.)

So, I have the same nervous butterflies after finding out we are really expecting!

"What have I done? "What if something goes wrong? What if something is wrong with her? I liked my freedom, I liked sleeping through the night..."

I get to start thinking about the fun things, the 'nesting'. The cute little things I get to buy!

1. Doggie Bed
2. Cute little pink collar
3. Massive quantities of chew toys
4. Little doggie shirt that says "I'm so effing cute!"

I can't wait!

Okay people, I need some feedback.

2008-12-11T22:15:00.004-06:00

I have taken the last exam of this semester. I tanked it.

I am still wondering how a professor can say "you don't need to know the exact numbers of the "Rules of Evidence" and then ask a question like "this would be excluded under 612, or 402"

I'm like Wah????

SO here is the question, I miss my Dixie.

She died Summer 07 and we have been puppyless since then. We have 2 cats and 2 bunnies which are relatively low maintenance.

But here is the sweetie who has presented herself to me...

She's a French Bulldog, and will eventually look like this...

Or maybe not EXACTLY like that, she could wear a pink tu-tu.

So what do you think? Am I ready for a baby?

Size Matters...

2008-12-09T19:17:00.003-06:00

"Two Word Tuesday"

The daily dose...

2008-12-08T07:05:00.001-06:00

I just found this new toolbar from Emusic. You install it and every day there is a free music download. OR, don't download it and just bookmark this link.

So now my mornings go like this...

Click - Blog stats at GoogleAnalytics (no coincidence that there is the word ANAL in there)
Click - Woot.com (oooh I need one of those!)
Click - Givewaway of the day (nothing like bloating your computer with free software)
Click - Twitter, read 673 tweets made while I was sleeping
Click - Twitterless (hey, someone qwit me)
Click - Emusic
Click - Email (do I have any blog comments?)

And I do that last because by now, it's noon.

Coca-Cola how can you do this?

2008-12-07T07:10:00.000-06:00

Mr. Twisted is not a happy man right now. We have been out of Black Cherry Fresca since Thanksgiving. I have been looking for it everywhere. Can't find any.

I called the local Coca-cola bottling plant to see what was up.

Apparently, they aren't going to sell it anymore.

WHAT????

I can't believe it, I mean, we buy enough ourselves to justify production!

Conversation last night:

Me: "They aren't going to sell Black Cherry Fresca anymore."
Mr. Twisted: "What? Are you kidding me?"
Me: "That is what the Coke guy said"
Mr. Twisted: "Then I don't want to drink Vodka anymore."
Me: "What?"
Mr. Twisted: "I don't, I like it with Black Cherry Fresca and that's it."
Me: "Okay, well....don't think for a minute I am going to join your Vodka Fast."

Hey COKE PEOPLE...You hear that??? The Vodka industry is going to suffer, don't you need to do what you can to help the economy???

Ever have days like this?

2008-12-06T07:58:00.003-06:00

Does your grocery list ever look like this?
Or how about...

"VODKA"

Mr. Twisted kept a grocery list I made when we were dating.

milk
bread
eggs
detergent
paper towels
toilet paper
cereal
lawn mower

thankfully, they had everything I needed!

Best Buy?

2008-12-04T13:20:00.003-06:00

It's that time of year, the time of year when people get really frustrated and customer service starts to tank.

In today's economy, I don't understand why things are getting worse instead of better. I guess for the local BestBuy it's because CompUSA closed it's doors and Circuit City is in Chapter 11. There isn't really any competition around.

That can't even be an excuse because I order online all the time so that I can STAY OUT of the stores around Christmas. My UPS guy ~~despises~~ loves me.

Last year, I ordered Guitar Hero III from BestBuy for the boys for Christmas. A week before Christmas we are coming home and as we are pulling in the driveway, we see this sitting on the front porch.

How thoughtful of them to save a tree and all but somewhere in the thought processes of someone's brain there should have been a red flag.

Something like "Hey, it's the middle of December and this MAY BE A GIFT!?"

"Nah, it's not a gift, just slap a label on it and on to the next order."

This year, The Oldest Boy dropped his new Canon 40D he got for Graduation. The UV filter broke on the lens and scratched it. It also can't be removed.

We took the camera back to BestBuy, (we bought the accidental breakage protection) and they told us the camera and lens had to be shipped off. That was 11/22/08, it was supposed to be back today, 12/04/08.

According to the website, they didn't get it in for repair until 12/2/08. So much for being here today. And exactly where was it until then?

Last weekend I ordered a 1T external hard drive from them and specified that I would pick it up at the store. This was an INCREDIBLE deal at $149 and the very next day and even today it is selling for $259.

I get to the store last night (they give you 8 days to pick it up) and guess what? They can't find it.

Luckily, there happened to be one on the shelf.

So I ask you guys this, when BestBuy starts to go under in this economy, are they going to be asking us the Government to bail them out?

Are we going to sit back and be treated the way we have been treated by GM, Ford, BestBuy or whoever and then SAVE them to keep them from going out of business?

Who saves the small guy, the local massage therapist, family photographer? If they treat their customers like crap, no one bails them out.

But hey, I may be wrong...maybe I'm the only person ever screwed by Ford, or BestBuy.

What am I doing???

2008-12-01T07:00:00.003-06:00

Can someone tell me who in the hell cares about the law anyway?

Who cares about property? Pretty soon, no one will be able to own anything anyway...

Who cares about freedom of speech when you can't put the next meal on the table.

So what am I doing here studying for final exams....I need to just quit school and paint.

I think I could so paint....I could do that....

The Day After....

2008-11-30T19:55:00.002-06:00

Mr. Twisted spotted this out of our dining room window today.

Maybe it's a sign...there is always tomorrow, and the next Iron Bowl.

Take that Big Al.

2008-11-29T19:28:00.002-06:00

All is fair in Love, War and the Iron Bowl!

2008-11-28T17:27:00.002-06:00

Seems that every team I have put on a jersey for, they lose. If I pick a team in some random game I don't care about, they lose.

Auburn
Kentucky
UAB

So I have a plan!

I am going to be decked out in Crimson tomorrow. I also brought out Big Al. Alabama hasn't won an Iron Bowl since I got him for Mr. Twisted. Of course, he thinks I was being sweet bringing him out...he just didn't realize WHY I was bringing him out.

Hey, all is fair in love, war and the Iron Bowl.

War Eagle! Oooops, I mean Roll Tide!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T22:51:00.002-06:00

Happy Turkey Day!

Dear Santa,

2008-11-26T23:03:00.003-06:00

It's that time again....

2008-11-25T19:47:00.004-06:00

Exams are upon us...yes, those are my slippers, house shoes, whatever you want to call them depending on where you are from. And Yes, I wore them to class. I'm not going to worry much about it until I start wearing my snoopy pj pants.

By December 11th I will have bitten all my fingernails off and turned into a real bitch. *snarl*

You want food? Is there a Legitimate Governmental Interest in you eating? I think not.

You want clean underwear? There is no Equal Protection regarding underwear...dirty underwear wearers are not a protected class!

Somebody tell that new pesky neighborhood cat that I did NOT grant him an easement to cross my property....STOP IT...or shall I say ESTOPPEL?

So...this is an advance warning....

Finals make me mean....and not very fashionable.

It's award time

2008-11-24T23:54:00.001-06:00

Thanks to CaryRN for my award!

The Kreative Blogger Award requires that you list 6 things that make you happy and pass it on to 6 other bloggers.

1. My Family
2. My RL Friends
3. My Computer Friends
4. Snow Days
5. The Day After The Last Exam
6. People who aren't afraid to stand up for what they believe in.

Alcohol 911 part 2

2008-11-23T23:50:00.000-06:00

So the day after the Alcohol 911 phone call, I was out running some errands and I got a text message.

Them "Are you in my neighborhood?" (my errands actually did place me in her area of town)
Me: "Yes, what do you need?"
Them: "If you bring me some orange juice, I will PAY YOU!"
Me: "I'm on my way."
Orange juice and vodka was decided on as the elixir for the crud They had...hey, it's got Vitamin C right?

You would think that this would be the end of the story....

I get a string of text messages later that night:

"I love my big TV"

"I'm at a John Mayer concert."

"I'm in the second row!"

"Look, Me at the the concert!"

*Face blacked out to protect the inebriated, They actually gave me permission to post these pics but I'm sure it didn't seem like such a good idea in the morning....

Maybe alcohol isn't good for you when you are out of your mind sick!!!

The Polls Have Closed!

2008-11-22T09:21:00.003-06:00

There you have it my friends!
Consider this Science, 'extra credit'. How long CAN a seedless watermelon last???

Alcohol 911

2008-11-21T20:13:00.006-06:00

It's Friday night, the kids are gone and Mr. Twisted and I decided to venture out for dinner.

We went to a new place in town, I had the Shrimp and Grits and he had the Grouper Almondine. Both were excellent.

My cell phone rang but since we had just been served our dinners, I let it go to voicemail...then I got a text message shortly thereafter. I won't mention any names in this post...out of common courtesy to drinking buddies...

"what is the best type of alcohol to drink when you are sick?"

I look up at Mr. Twisted...

"This looks like an emergency...I bet They are at the liquor store right now and they need an expert opinion."

I called Them...

Me: "You're at the liquor store aren't you?"
Them: "Yes, I got my flu shot yesterday, I feel like crap. What can I get?"
Me: "What about cinnamon schnapps, you can heat it up and it will warm your insides."

Mr. Twisted: "Tell her to just get some Nyquil and go to bed."
Me: "Hello? What is the main ingredient in Nyquil? Who needs all that artificial coloring and high fructose corn syrup?"

So leave me some comments...what do you drink when you feel like crap?

Don't put me on speakerphone

2008-11-20T22:35:00.003-06:00

My friend Trish had me on speakerphone when she was in the Drive-thru at Chick-Fil-A.

She informed me they told her that they were out of salad...and at the exact moment the guy at the window appeared, I said, "what??? how can they be out of salad???"

I heard him laugh over the phone, she apologized profusely and took me off speaker.

I happened to be sitting in the living room with Mr. Twisted and I told him what was happening...he said...

Mr. Twisted: "Yeah, she doesn't know that yet does she?"
Me: "Know what?"
Mr Twisted: "That it's too risky to put you on speakerphone."
Me: "What are you talking about?"
Mr. Twisted: "When we first started dating, I had you on speakerphone in my office. You made a random, off-color remark and I didn't get you off speakerphone in time."
Me: "Oh, welll...now you know..."
Mr. Twisted: "And now, so does Trish!"

Busted.....again.

2008-11-19T14:16:00.003-06:00

I am pulling out of the Target parking lot when my cell phone rings. It's Mr. Twisted.

Mr. Twisted: "What are you up to?"
Me: "No good, is that why you are calling?"
Mr. Twisted: "Yeah there was a stirring in the Force."
Me: "Yeah yeah, I know, with every swipe of a credit card an Angel loses it's wings."
Mr. Twisted: "I hope it's groceries."
Me: "Yeah, there are groceries."
Mr. Twisted: "What else?"
Me: "Christmas presents."
Mr. Twisted: *sigh*

Here is where the talent comes in.

There are two things Mr. Twisted likes almost as much as Alabama Football, these are:

1. Saving Money
2. Getting Rid of Stuff.

The rest of the conversation:

Me: "I got The Youngest Boy and The Girl each a (*******)." I'll fill this in after Christmas in case they are lying and really DO read my blog.
Mr. Twisted: MMMMhmmmm.
Me: "They were only $40 each and they are $250 on Amazon.com." (See, you list the price of the place who charges the most for it.)
Mr. Twisted: "Nice"
Me: "And we can get rid of at least 5 (********) we have around the house." (seriously, you can email me if you want to know)
Mr. Twisted: "Great!! Let's get rid of them now!"

And there you have it...

Twisted Shopping 101.

I can finally blog about this.

2008-11-18T18:49:00.006-06:00

I took the phrase, "bad hair day" to a whole new level.

I took the advice of the guy who cut my hair and did a little playing around with my hair color. Please read this blog post if you are confused about how an idiot like me can get professional hair color without a license.

I told him that my hair color kept coming out too dark so he told me to take the color that I want and a color two shades lighter and mix them together.

Easy enough right?

Wrong.

First, for some reason my hair revolted and the ends stayed black. The top of the other hair was another color.

I dried it and colored it AGAIN...which made it worse.

With my hair up (cause with the ends black I kinda did a comb over thing) I went to the grocery store to get some Nice and Easy. Turned out to be Nice and Nothing, it DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

SO my hair was orange on top, black on the ends. I figured I would give my hair a rest on Saturday and if Auburn happened to win I would keep my Orange hair....Ha Ha scrap that. We still suck.

Monday, this was my plan for the day...

Shower

Use Color Oops (yes you read that right, there is a haircolor removal product called Color Oops) to remove the color in my hair. 30 minutes.

Read Twilight

Shower

Dry Hair

Use Colorsilk (4th color application in 4 days) 30 minutes.

Read Twilight

Shower

Dry Hair

Run my fingers through mousy brown hair....ahhhhh it feels good to be plain again. Only my hands are all dry and cracked from 3 showers in one day.

Read Twilight (thinking that I need to be preparing for Equity with The Evil One but can't seem to.)

Hope they're non-venomous.

2008-11-17T21:14:00.003-06:00

The Law School is in a tall building downtown which houses many law offices. I was heading to my Equity class when I walked right past the break room and this caught my eye...

I really hope they are vending non-venomous snakes.

Sixty Minutes Interview with Obama

2008-11-16T20:57:00.003-06:00

I can't believe the time has come when I have actually looked forward to watching 60 minutes on Sunday nights.

When I was young, 60 minutes signaled bath time and time for bed and occasionally a win in the fight to see the Wonderful World of Disney before bed.

Tonight, Barack Obama was on 60 minutes and I wanted to see the interview. I have always felt that Obama was the most 'real' candidate that we had, the interview confirmed my view.

He's the real deal.

Mr. Twisted was not as convinced as I am...until...

Obama talked College Football.

"I think any sensible person would say, that if you've got a bunch of teams who play throughout the season, and many of them have one loss or two losses, there's no clear, decisive winner, that we should be creating a playoff system. Eight teams, that would be 3 rounds to determine a national champion. It would add 3 extra weeks to the season, you could trim back on the regular season. I don't know any serious fan of college football who has disagreed with me on this, so, I'm gonna throw my weight around a little bit, I think it's the right thing to do."

Me: "Admit it, you like him...you like him don't you?"
Mr. Twisted: "hmmmm."
Me: "How can you not agree with what he just said?"
Mr. Twisted: "well yeah, I have been saying that all along."
Me: "I bet he would have gotten more votes if a playoff for the College Football National Championship had been his campaign platform."
Mr. Twisted: "Yeah, he would have carried the south."
Me: "And Alabama could have been a Blue state. *sigh*"

Hello, my name is Twisted Lisa and I like to burn things

2008-11-15T22:58:00.000-06:00

We had some trees cut down in the back yard so we could put the pool in.

One dude who came to grind the stumps up asked us if we wanted him to haul away the cut up pine trees, for the SAME price we paid to have them cut down! No thanks!

Me: "nah, we plan on burning it."
Billy Bob: "Mamaam, you don't want to burn that, dem ders pine trees."
Me: "we aren't going to burn them in the fireplace, we are going to burn them outside in the Chiminea."
Billy Bob: "you don't want to burn pine, it smokes."
Me: "yeah, smoke is good, it keep the bugs away."
Billy Bob: "you don't want that."
Me: "yeah, I think I do."

I'm afraid of the Trash Man

2008-11-14T23:59:00.002-06:00

Not in the "oooooh he's so scary" way but, "what if I threw it away?" in true pack rat form.

I was an Army Brat and we usually had to move once a year. This meant throwing everything away that was not absolutely necessary. There are things from my childhood I wish I still had but have been thrown away. So, when I landed in one spot, it was difficult for me to get rid of anything.

After we landed and left the military, it was easier for everyone to hoard things. My parents never threw away (still don't) magazines. I have finally broken myself of that madness! Who needs to keep a magazine? I don't even have time to read the ones I get now!

Let's face it, you will NEVER do the project that you adore in that magazine that is stuffed away in the desk drawer.

When I got married 2 years ago, I was living in a house I had been in for 15 years with my ex-husband. It was full to the brim with 'stuff'. In order to mesh 2 households together, I had to purge...so I did. And there are only a few things I regret...*sniff*

So, whenever I lose something, I immediately go to the trash. I have no idea why but I am always afraid it has been thrown away by accident.

I couldn't find my Sony headphones, I looked everywhere. I ended up digging through the trash only to find them on the backseat of my car...I SWEAR I looked there 100 times!

Once I did find something in the trash. I had cleaned my diamond earrings and left them in a paper towel to dry (1.5 carats) Some friends came over, bringing wine and the next morning, the paper towel was gone....and yes, this time they were in the garbage.

Recently, I was getting ready to do a writing assignment for school. It was Sunday, we had been given 2 weeks to do it, and it was due Monday. (Why do now what you can put off til the last minute?) You tell my kids that I said that and I will kick your ass!

So, I gather all my materials and I go to retrieve my assignment sheet in my car, and it's NOT THERE! Oh my God! What do I do??? We cleaned my car out! I go to the TRASH, (the big bin outside) and I start to dig through it. No Assignment Sheet to be found.

I am now officially in Panic Mode.

After a liter of sweat, I calmly retraced my steps and drove to the school where my bus is parked and found it securely placed in my clipboard. Whew!

And then I came home to shower the 'trashy' feel off me and I started working on the assignment.

In class the next night, The Evil One called role, and as he did, walked around the room and glanced, YES GLANCED, at everyone's paper.

He truly is The Evil One.

Chestnuts roasting on an open......hey, that's not a chestnut!

2008-11-13T23:57:00.006-06:00

Yes, my friends...that is a WATERMELON.

Not just any watermelon...I bought this baby for the July 4th weekend.

We forgot to eat it.

It made itself at home on my kitchen counter and for some reason, we all forgot it was there.

Labor day weekend was upon us and I made a mental note..EAT WATERMELON.

And we forgot again...

You think that it may be rotten or smushy, but it's as firm as the day I bought it.

It's seedless so I don't think there are any seeds in it sprouting roots (how do they do that anyway?)

So what should we do with it? You decide the fate!

Wordless Wednesday

2008-11-12T22:48:00.002-06:00

Alabama Snowman

2008-11-11T23:03:00.001-06:00

Mr. Twisted was eating some mints that he got while playing in a golf tournament when he came across a little mint that was 'less than perfect.'

I knew exactly what to do with it! I handed it over to the Youngest Boy and instructed him to put a face on it.

Hey, we take our snowmen as we get them in the South...his will probably be the closest thing we get to a real snowman this year!