Saturday, January 31, 2009

New Development

Well folks... My blog posts may be a bit sporadic in the future.

I am sort of homeless right now. Mr. Twisted got upset about something that happened, something I didn't do. While I totally understand his anger, I cannot forget nor forgive the closed fist punch to my chest.

It happened Wednesday night and I can still hardly move...I have no idea how boxers do it.

You know what they say, domestic violence just escalates. I am not going to allow myself to become a victim. Well, any more than I already am...right?

So forgive me, I'll be back to posting soon.

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Tuesday, January 27, 2009


Well, well, well... Mr. Fireman.

I got a ticket a while back, right across the street from you. The ticket said "parked in front of a fire hydrant" but I was actually parked after hours in a loading zone...

A loading zone that happened to have a fire hydrant in it.

After 6:00p.m. you can park there. I often wondered what would happen if there was a fire but it seems that I am the only one who ever got a ticket there.

It isn't even listed as an offense on the ticket, and I have no idea how much it is anyway.

Mr. Fireman, you cannot claim to be inspecting the hydrant, you were no where to be found.

I am SO not paying that ticket now!

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Monday, January 26, 2009

"CHEERS" - Why I’m an orphan (part 2)

I orphaned myself September 2006. I became an Only Child November 2006. My ex-sister didn’t understand why I didn’t want to spend Thanksgiving with my ex-parents and we got into an argument over the phone and I told her that I was finished with my ex- parents once and for all.

She began bitching about ‘family’ and taking sides with them, and I asked her why she felt it was important for me and my two boys to be there when my ex-parents really didn’t give a shit about us in the first place?

Facts of the Case:

My ex-sister lives 2.5 hours away in Atlanta. She is a professional in business for herself. She lives with her boyfriend of 8 or so years. Her boyfriend has a home in Atlanta with a basement filled with classic arcade games, a beach house in Panama City Beach, and a houseboat on Lake Lanier, complete with hot tub and slide off the top.

My boys are 15 and 18 years. Not one time has she ever INVITED us over. Not one single time. One time I popped over to see her and met her boyfriend’s mother (on her houseboat) and she went on and on how I needed to bring my boys back when it was warm so they could swim and slide and they would have such a good time. (This is how normal people are)

You might be thinking, "her boys must be monsters"...No, my boys are polite and well-behaved. They always have been. But they ARE (were), CHILDREN. My ex-parents never really could tolerate children, they are loud, they carry germs, they don't eat weird food and there is a possibility they may break something totally material and useless in their house.

This never happened.

And they only make over $400,000 a would be a terrible hardship for them to replace some useless, unused piece of crap, right?

My ex-parents happened to live 10 miles from us (they currently live less than a mile from us). On their way home from work, they actually passed within 2 miles of our house. They never had any time to drop by and see their ONLY two grandchildren. They were “too busy”. They had to get home to the dogs, who have an outside doggie door (and alcohol).

I asked my sister:

Me: “Why is it that with a beach house and a houseboat and a basement full of arcade games, you NEVER ONCE invited me or your nephews over?”
Ex-Sister (stammering, sighing, takes a deep exasperated breath) : “Because YOU were in SCHOOL!!”
Me: “click” I hung up on her. I became an orphaned only child.

I had just graduated with a B.S in criminal justice in May of the previous year. I don’t work at all during the summer. Even if I was in school, it would have been nice to have been asked. The boys and I spent the summer of 2005 at home together, me being recently divorced, just having graduated…a single mom with limited funds.

Thanks for the invite to the lake and the beach house...

Even college students get breaks, but one thing you need to understand, my sister likes to ‘party’. Kids get in the way of that. Her boyfriend is also an only child so these are the only kids she will ever be an Aunt to.

My ex-husband only gets to have the boys for 25 hours during the Christmas Holidays. During that time, he takes them to my ex-parents house so they can give them money, because that is all they care about. (Funny, they hated him when we were married.) My boys have cell phones, they never call, they like to pretend to be doting grandparents with a $1000 check at Christmas. My ex-sister is there too, ready with her checks. Awwww, how sweet, a regular Norman Rockefeller Christmas.

Outcome of the Case:

In the mail today was a cute little “Save the Date” invitation.
Apparently, my sister is getting married in Jamaica later this year. On the back of the invitation,

Travel Information :

Resort is “all-inclusive and Adult Only”

It’s just as well, her only nephews are “in school” so why bother with an invitation?

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Saturday, January 24, 2009

Keyword Kraziness

GoogleAnalytics has provided me with the material for this post. It's fun to see what people are searching for when they land on your site. Here are a few good ones.

"twisted blogs" - landed in the right spot.

"bestbuy delivery men refuse to open package" - I like to open my own stuff!

"black cherry fresca shortage" - HELLO? I know!!!
"why can't i find black cherry fresca in the stores?" - ditto!

"awards for lisa - twisted" - Heck yeah! I love awards.

"craigslist credit card declined" - I'm not entirely sure about this but I think getting a credit card off Craigslist would be a BAD idea?

"devil paula deen"
"paula dean devil" - my sentiments exactly! Post 1, Post 2

"jon and kate divorced 2009" - Yeah, I agree with that one.

"my ccv number on my vanilla visa card won't work" - Can't help with that one, my Visa is Chocolate.

"mother-in-law on facebook" - EEWWWWWW

"school physicals undress" - uh yeah...don't know why you would search for that.

"threw keys in trash" - do you really need to google the answer for that one? GET THEM OUT!

"humor humans eat their young" - I don't even know what to say about that one.

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Friday, January 23, 2009

Time for Lemonade!

I wasn't told much in my previous life that I had a great attitude. I suppose I have a better attitude now that I orphaned myself September 2006.

No, I didn't kill anyone, I just came to a point in my life where I decided that there were some people not worthy of my time or effort anymore. Some people have a way of sucking the life right out of you.

I can't say that I am not still bitter...but my lemons get sweeter every day! I am a better person because of my decision.

WayneJohn gave me this award for my great attitude! Thank you!!!!

And these are the rules for the bloggers that have received the Lemonade Award:

1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate at least 10 blogs, which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude!
3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post
4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
5. Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.

I will bestow this award on a few others who have a great attitude and then I will share a story from my previous life, when my attitude was more like HappyBunny's. Okay, so it's still like HappyBunny's, change takes time.

Bloggers with great tudes!

1. Bekah!
2. Legal Diva!
3. Travis Erwin! He still blogs after losing everything in a house fire. Makes me feel horrible for bitching about our 20inch TV.
4. BonDon
5. Red Queen. She's a new blogger on an exploration to find her bloggy greatness!
6. Beck! She is special, she was my first...follower that is :)
7. Jodi!

Seven is good...some of you guys can give it to eleven people, to make up for it.

So here is my story, it has two titles...

Why I orphaned myself part 1
Why I hate Christmas part 2 (Part 1 is here)

This is Uncle Traveling Matt, he is a Fraggle from Fraggle Rock. As a teen, (and even now) I loved Fraggles!

I was 17, a senior in high school and for a year and 3 months begging my parents for a car.

Christmas morning I open a soft squishy gift and I find Traveling Matt. He's one of my favorite Fraggles, he is independent and travels the world. It's a great gift...until my mom ex-mom opens her mouth.

Ex-Mom: "That's Traveling Matt, he is the traveling Fraggle. Your dad and I were going to get you a Fiat (my favorite car as a teen) but when the mechanic put it up on the rack, there was too much damage underneath, so we didn't get it. We were going to take the key and put it in Traveling Matt's hand and wrap it up and give it to you that way. Wouldn't that have been great?!?!"

Me: (WTF??) "Uhhhh, yeah....great."

Ex-Mom: "What is wrong with you, it's the thought that counts?!?"

Me: (WTF????) "Yes, wonderful idea."

I waited for the punchline to this cruel joke and it never came. About three months later, my mom's car was rear-ended, leaving us one car short. At that time, they let me buy my own car which my mom drove until hers was repaired. It was a 5 year old Fiat 2000 Spyder that cost $3000. I LOVED that car! I worked at Burger King to pay for it and all the gas I used.

Six years later, two weeks after my half sister's ex-half sister's 16th birthday, they surprised her with a brand new Ford Probe complete with gas card. Free of charge, no job required.

When my ex-mom called me with the glorious news, she got mad when I was silent on the phone as she explained how excited and happy my ex-sister was.

Ex-Mom: "What's wrong with you? Why aren't you happy for her???" (to this day, I haven't decided if she is insane, or just plain stupid, maybe it's an unfortunate combination of both)"I don't understand why you think we treated you differently." (Yeah, cause it's totally untrue, and all those Whoppers I served were just figments of my imagination also.)

So, I know that this is not what the award was meant for...but I am Twisted that way. It feels good to let some negativity out of me...releasing it forever into the blogosphere.

I am grateful for this award and feel that it is a compliment, IN SPITE of an upbringing that should have produced a cruel, heartless, bitch...but instead produced a:

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Thursday, January 22, 2009

Squirrels Gone Wild

I have always liked squirrels. Cute, furry, and so peaceful. Now I am beginning to think that they are truly of the rodent family and I am beginning to share a mindset not unlike those who hunt them, kill them, and eat them.

Okay, maybe not the 'eat' part but it's getting easier to imagine it.

This is my grill cover, or what's left of it.

This is video evidence of the culprit.

Opal has taken it upon herself to protect us from these vermin. After all, this entire house and yard belong to her and her ALONE!

"My YARD."

"My Chewing Stump"

"My Leaf"

"My Lookout Stump"

And most importantly...



Now outfitted with the proper "squirrel fighting" attire, Opal stands guard.

"I'm getting hungry just thinking about it!"

"Yo Quiero Taco SQUIRREL!"

Squirrel fighting is hard work. We didn't get any today, but there is always tomorrow!

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Tuesday, January 20, 2009


We have two bunnies. They live outside normally but with the recent cold snap, I didn't think they would survive outside so we brought them in.

The Youngest Boy built them two cages out of these...

These things are GREAT. In addition to the wire shelving, which is great for kids and teens rooms, you can build all kinds of things out of them.

Currently, we have a playpen for Opal and various 'gates' in the doorways to the forbidden areas of the house. We used zip ties for those.

Back to the bunnies.

Because this was temporary, we didn't reinforce the cages, we built them just like the bookcases only they were 4x4 face down.

We have a Boy bunny and a Girl know what's coming don't you?

The other day, Mr. Twisted walked into the garage and guess what?

BOTH bunnies had busted out of their cages and were 'frolicking' around the garage.

Anyone want a cute, adorable, baby bunny in about 30 days?

How about some Hasenpfeffer?

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Just Plain Wrong

The 50inch TV is now in the shop. It will be 2 to 2 1/2 weeks before it will be ready.

Which means....


This is what we will be watching it on.

At least we will be able to HEAR the game. Go Cardinals!

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Sunday, January 18, 2009

Introducing Opal!

World's Most Adorable Puppy!

Please forgive me for the lapse in postings. I am a new mom!

Opal came to us a week ago and just like new parents with babies, there has been a learning curve. We have been dogless for only 2 years but it's been many years since we have had a puppy.

Reasons why Opal was destined to be a part of our family:

1. She missed her flight.

I know, I did everything Cesar Milan said not to do. I found her on the internet, and was having her flown to me. Fortunately, since she missed her flight, the breeder hopped on a plane the next day and she got to fly in the cabin. When I saw how small she was (2 pounds 4 oz.), I felt very guilty and almost cried. How can they put those babies in Cargo?

2. She's not very graceful.

Maybe she will grow out of it, but.... two years ago today I crushed my right calcaneous (heel). I have a plate and 9 screws in it. Clumsy dog and clumsy owner could be bad. She also has feet that zero in on her poop. She climbs out of her bed, poops on the training pad, steps in it, then crawls back in her bed. Definitely gotta work on that!

3. She likes Bling (to chew on)

4. She likes Electronics (to chew on)

5. She has a Tude.

She didn't like her crate at first, when I would come to get her out, she would turn her back to me and not look at me. "Meh, how dare you ignore me and put me in here."

6. She likes Catnip. Well, what can I say?

7. She doesn't know the meaning of the word "NO" in fact, she thinks it's her name, which is officially, Hurricane Opal!

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Friday, January 16, 2009

Effed Up Friday

Remember how I told you that the bulb blew out of our 50in Samsing DLP?

Well, it wasn't the bulb. Mr. Twisted is not going to allow me to do anymore troubleshooting so we are taking it in tomorrow to get it looked at. He said it has to be back in 5 days so we can watch Lost. Uhhh, I just didn't have the heart to tell him that I think it will take longer than that.

We have moved all the furniture around in the Bat Cave to finish the basement and the projection screen is not accessible. AND with the recent cold snap.... it's FREEZING!

This is what we are currently watching. A 20in. It's extremely difficult to read the on screen guide and Mr. Twisted is not happy.

I am beginning to wonder if he thinks I 'willed' it to fail because I wanted to get a new one before Christmas. I told him not to hate me if I'm a little psychic...
Next time when I tell him to buy, he needs to BUY!

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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Stuck In Alabama

The Oldest Boy got his first traffic ticket. Speeding in HARPERSVILLE ALABAMA.

Where is that? You ask? NO WHERE.

Me, being a woman of the digital age thought that it was a Shelby County ticket and I could pay this sucker online, AND he could possibly go to traffic school and get it 'taken care of.'

HA, this is ALABAMA. Harpersville Alabama no less, population 1,676, primary source of revenue? Speed Traps.

When I called about the ticket (court date, the next day) I discovered that:

1. They do not have credit card machines in Harpersville. (at least not in Town Hall)
2. They only take cash and cashiers checks.
3. If your court date is tomorrow, you have until 4 p.m. (They close at 4) today to pay the fine in person or they will issue a warrant for the Oldest Boy's arrest. Of course, by this's tempting.
4. They also are closed for lunch from 12-12:30.

I had an appointment with my attorney (I'll save this for another post) at 10 am. I had to drive my bus at 2:40...sooooooo.

Let's drive to Harpersville, won't that be soooooo much fun?

Stop by the bank, withdraw $123 (from Oldest Boy's account)
Drive South on Hwy 280
Get to Harpersville.

Don't Blink, you might miss it.

And here is Town Hall

Yes, that's the actual door I walked through to pay for the ticket.
It says OFEICE.
They must be Italian.

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Saturday, January 10, 2009

I want a bailout too!

Mr. Twisted and I settled in on Thursday night to watch the BCS Championship game between Oklahoma and Florida.

About 30 minutes into the game... POW!!

The bulb in our Samsung DLP (50in) had blown up. I know, I'm hearing the men gasp as they read this.

Now, we have had this TV for a few years and we are on our second bulb, this one, however, has only lasted since March when it blew up during March Madness. (I am still hearing the gasps)

I tried to get Mr. Twisted to upgrade right before Christmas when Best Buy had a Samsung 52in LCD for $1499 including installation. (the current price is $2199, wasn't that a sweet deal?)

Anyway...he is less technology addicted than I am...he doesn't appreciate 1080p as opposed to 1080i or a 35,000:1 dynamic contrast ratio, like I do. He thinks it's just 2 inches bigger. (I thought SIZE was important to men?)

So we finish watching the game on our 20 inch tube in the bedroom. Mr. Twisted wasn't happy and I only did the "I told you so" once when he said he didn't want to be paying $125 a year for a bulb for that TV.

Did I say that the TV was on sale for $1499? And now it's $2199? Yeah, I did...maybe that counts as another "I told you so". Sorry.

Last night, we were sitting in the den, staring at a 50 inch black screen.

Mr. Twisted said that in this economy, we need to be frugal with our spending.

When I saw that the Porn industry wants a $5 billion bailout, I decided that I want one too. They actually have point. They probably employ more people than the automakers and pay more taxes.

Dear Congress,

My name is Twisted Lisa and I need a bailout. My TV blew up and I need another one. Consider it a small step in keeping the economy in check. I mean, how can I order crap like Snuggies, MightyMendIt, and the latest guaranteed exercise Crap if I can't see them?

And hey, we can't watch Porn either. So I think you could be killing two birds with one stone.

Besides, there may be medical costs associated with this horrible situation. Mr. Twisted may need therapy. I may need it too after another Danbury Mint Dragon Puppet Show.

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Thursday, January 8, 2009

How are your resolutions coming along?

I just wanted to see how everyone was doing with their New Year's Resolutions.

One of my resolutions (actually, I forgot until a few days after New Year's Eve) was to get into shape.

I think it's coming along nicely.

What do you think?

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Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Jon and Kate - GAG

Well, it's officially time for me to go back to school. I was mindlessly surfing the tube and landed on Jon and Kate Make 8.

What a complete waste of my time and grey matter.

I'm sorry if I offend anyone out there but if you watch this crap for any other reason than to make fun of how miserable and clueless these people need a hobby.

Kate is totally a bitch. The show I happened to watch showed her commenting on how she wanted her husband (Jon) to look like he used to look, "thin and hot"...UH hello girlfriend? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror? Those old pics of Jon? Was that actually YOU? or some hot chick? I think it was some hot chick, cause you don't look anything like her. I can't even imagine how that tummy looks now after that monstrous baby belly you had.

I give it 5 yeasrs of her nagging and bitching before he is caught with some Ho having an affair or a big fat divorce.

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Monday, January 5, 2009

Name That Pup

We have so far,


(she's a girl)

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