Sunday, November 30, 2008

The Day After....

Mr. Twisted spotted this out of our dining room window today.

Maybe it's a sign...there is always tomorrow, and the next Iron Bowl.

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Friday, November 28, 2008

All is fair in Love, War and the Iron Bowl!

Seems that every team I have put on a jersey for, they lose. If I pick a team in some random game I don't care about, they lose.


So I have a plan!

I am going to be decked out in Crimson tomorrow. I also brought out Big Al. Alabama hasn't won an Iron Bowl since I got him for Mr. Twisted. Of course, he thinks I was being sweet bringing him out...he just didn't realize WHY I was bringing him out.

Hey, all is fair in love, war and the Iron Bowl.

War Eagle! Oooops, I mean Roll Tide!

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Thursday, November 27, 2008

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

It's that time again....

Exams are upon us...yes, those are my slippers, house shoes, whatever you want to call them depending on where you are from. And Yes, I wore them to class. I'm not going to worry much about it until I start wearing my snoopy pj pants.

By December 11th I will have bitten all my fingernails off and turned into a real bitch. *snarl*

You want food? Is there a Legitimate Governmental Interest in you eating? I think not.

You want clean underwear? There is no Equal Protection regarding underwear...dirty underwear wearers are not a protected class!

Somebody tell that new pesky neighborhood cat that I did NOT grant him an easement to cross my property....STOP IT...or shall I say ESTOPPEL?

So...this is an advance warning....

Finals make me mean....and not very fashionable.

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Monday, November 24, 2008

It's award time

Thanks to CaryRN for my award!

The Kreative Blogger Award requires that you list 6 things that make you happy and pass it on to 6 other bloggers.

1. My Family
2. My RL Friends
3. My Computer Friends
4. Snow Days
5. The Day After The Last Exam
6. People who aren't afraid to stand up for what they believe in.

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Sunday, November 23, 2008

Alcohol 911 part 2

So the day after the Alcohol 911 phone call, I was out running some errands and I got a text message.

Them "Are you in my neighborhood?" (my errands actually did place me in her area of town)
Me: "Yes, what do you need?"
Them: "If you bring me some orange juice, I will PAY YOU!"
Me: "I'm on my way."
Orange juice and vodka was decided on as the elixir for the crud They had...hey, it's got Vitamin C right?

You would think that this would be the end of the story....

I get a string of text messages later that night:

"I love my big TV"

"I'm at a John Mayer concert."

"I'm in the second row!"

"Look, Me at the the concert!"

*Face blacked out to protect the inebriated, They actually gave me permission to post these pics but I'm sure it didn't seem like such a good idea in the morning....

Maybe alcohol isn't good for you when you are out of your mind sick!!!

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Saturday, November 22, 2008

The Polls Have Closed!

There you have it my friends!
Consider this Science, 'extra credit'. How long CAN a seedless watermelon last???

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Friday, November 21, 2008

Alcohol 911

It's Friday night, the kids are gone and Mr. Twisted and I decided to venture out for dinner.

We went to a new place in town, I had the Shrimp and Grits and he had the Grouper Almondine. Both were excellent.

My cell phone rang but since we had just been served our dinners, I let it go to voicemail...then I got a text message shortly thereafter. I won't mention any names in this post...out of common courtesy to drinking buddies...

"what is the best type of alcohol to drink when you are sick?"

I look up at Mr. Twisted...

"This looks like an emergency...I bet They are at the liquor store right now and they need an expert opinion."

I called Them...

Me: "You're at the liquor store aren't you?"
Them: "Yes, I got my flu shot yesterday, I feel like crap. What can I get?"
Me: "What about cinnamon schnapps, you can heat it up and it will warm your insides."

Mr. Twisted: "Tell her to just get some Nyquil and go to bed."
Me: "Hello? What is the main ingredient in Nyquil? Who needs all that artificial coloring and high fructose corn syrup?"

So leave me some comments...what do you drink when you feel like crap?

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Thursday, November 20, 2008

Don't put me on speakerphone

My friend Trish had me on speakerphone when she was in the Drive-thru at Chick-Fil-A.

She informed me they told her that they were out of salad...and at the exact moment the guy at the window appeared, I said, "what??? how can they be out of salad???"

I heard him laugh over the phone, she apologized profusely and took me off speaker.

I happened to be sitting in the living room with Mr. Twisted and I told him what was happening...he said...

Mr. Twisted: "Yeah, she doesn't know that yet does she?"
Me: "Know what?"
Mr Twisted: "That it's too risky to put you on speakerphone."
Me: "What are you talking about?"
Mr. Twisted: "When we first started dating, I had you on speakerphone in my office. You made a random, off-color remark and I didn't get you off speakerphone in time."
Me: "Oh, you know..."
Mr. Twisted: "And now, so does Trish!"

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Wednesday, November 19, 2008


I am pulling out of the Target parking lot when my cell phone rings. It's Mr. Twisted.

Mr. Twisted: "What are you up to?"
Me: "No good, is that why you are calling?"
Mr. Twisted: "Yeah there was a stirring in the Force."
Me: "Yeah yeah, I know, with every swipe of a credit card an Angel loses it's wings."
Mr. Twisted: "I hope it's groceries."
Me: "Yeah, there are groceries."
Mr. Twisted: "What else?"
Me: "Christmas presents."
Mr. Twisted: *sigh*

Here is where the talent comes in.

There are two things Mr. Twisted likes almost as much as Alabama Football, these are:

1. Saving Money
2. Getting Rid of Stuff.

The rest of the conversation:

Me: "I got The Youngest Boy and The Girl each a (*******)." I'll fill this in after Christmas in case they are lying and really DO read my blog.
Mr. Twisted: MMMMhmmmm.
Me: "They were only $40 each and they are $250 on" (See, you list the price of the place who charges the most for it.)
Mr. Twisted: "Nice"
Me: "And we can get rid of at least 5 (********) we have around the house." (seriously, you can email me if you want to know)
Mr. Twisted: "Great!! Let's get rid of them now!"

And there you have it...

Twisted Shopping 101.

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Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I can finally blog about this.

I took the phrase, "bad hair day" to a whole new level.

I took the advice of the guy who cut my hair and did a little playing around with my hair color. Please read this blog post if you are confused about how an idiot like me can get professional hair color without a license.

I told him that my hair color kept coming out too dark so he told me to take the color that I want and a color two shades lighter and mix them together.

Easy enough right?


First, for some reason my hair revolted and the ends stayed black. The top of the other hair was another color.

I dried it and colored it AGAIN...which made it worse.

With my hair up (cause with the ends black I kinda did a comb over thing) I went to the grocery store to get some Nice and Easy. Turned out to be Nice and Nothing, it DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

SO my hair was orange on top, black on the ends. I figured I would give my hair a rest on Saturday and if Auburn happened to win I would keep my Orange hair....Ha Ha scrap that. We still suck.

Monday, this was my plan for the day...


Use Color Oops (yes you read that right, there is a haircolor removal product called Color Oops) to remove the color in my hair. 30 minutes.

Read Twilight


Dry Hair

Use Colorsilk (4th color application in 4 days) 30 minutes.

Read Twilight


Dry Hair

Run my fingers through mousy brown hair....ahhhhh it feels good to be plain again. Only my hands are all dry and cracked from 3 showers in one day.

Read Twilight (thinking that I need to be preparing for Equity with The Evil One but can't seem to.)

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Monday, November 17, 2008

Hope they're non-venomous.

The Law School is in a tall building downtown which houses many law offices. I was heading to my Equity class when I walked right past the break room and this caught my eye...

I really hope they are vending non-venomous snakes.

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Sunday, November 16, 2008

Sixty Minutes Interview with Obama

I can't believe the time has come when I have actually looked forward to watching 60 minutes on Sunday nights.

When I was young, 60 minutes signaled bath time and time for bed and occasionally a win in the fight to see the Wonderful World of Disney before bed.

Tonight, Barack Obama was on 60 minutes and I wanted to see the interview. I have always felt that Obama was the most 'real' candidate that we had, the interview confirmed my view.

He's the real deal.

Mr. Twisted was not as convinced as I am...until...

Obama talked College Football.

"I think any sensible person would say, that if you've got a bunch of teams who play throughout the season, and many of them have one loss or two losses, there's no clear, decisive winner, that we should be creating a playoff system. Eight teams, that would be 3 rounds to determine a national champion. It would add 3 extra weeks to the season, you could trim back on the regular season. I don't know any serious fan of college football who has disagreed with me on this, so, I'm gonna throw my weight around a little bit, I think it's the right thing to do."

Me: "Admit it, you like like him don't you?"
Mr. Twisted: "hmmmm."
Me: "How can you not agree with what he just said?"
Mr. Twisted: "well yeah, I have been saying that all along."
Me: "I bet he would have gotten more votes if a playoff for the College Football National Championship had been his campaign platform."
Mr. Twisted: "Yeah, he would have carried the south."
Me: "And Alabama could have been a Blue state. *sigh*"

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Saturday, November 15, 2008

Hello, my name is Twisted Lisa and I like to burn things

We had some trees cut down in the back yard so we could put the pool in.

One dude who came to grind the stumps up asked us if we wanted him to haul away the cut up pine trees, for the SAME price we paid to have them cut down! No thanks!

Me: "nah, we plan on burning it."
Billy Bob: "Mamaam, you don't want to burn that, dem ders pine trees."
Me: "we aren't going to burn them in the fireplace, we are going to burn them outside in the Chiminea."
Billy Bob: "you don't want to burn pine, it smokes."
Me: "yeah, smoke is good, it keep the bugs away."
Billy Bob: "you don't want that."
Me: "yeah, I think I do."

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Friday, November 14, 2008

I'm afraid of the Trash Man

Not in the "oooooh he's so scary" way but, "what if I threw it away?" in true pack rat form.

I was an Army Brat and we usually had to move once a year. This meant throwing everything away that was not absolutely necessary. There are things from my childhood I wish I still had but have been thrown away. So, when I landed in one spot, it was difficult for me to get rid of anything.

After we landed and left the military, it was easier for everyone to hoard things. My parents never threw away (still don't) magazines. I have finally broken myself of that madness! Who needs to keep a magazine? I don't even have time to read the ones I get now!

Let's face it, you will NEVER do the project that you adore in that magazine that is stuffed away in the desk drawer.

When I got married 2 years ago, I was living in a house I had been in for 15 years with my ex-husband. It was full to the brim with 'stuff'. In order to mesh 2 households together, I had to I did. And there are only a few things I regret...*sniff*

So, whenever I lose something, I immediately go to the trash. I have no idea why but I am always afraid it has been thrown away by accident.

I couldn't find my Sony headphones, I looked everywhere. I ended up digging through the trash only to find them on the backseat of my car...I SWEAR I looked there 100 times!

Once I did find something in the trash. I had cleaned my diamond earrings and left them in a paper towel to dry (1.5 carats) Some friends came over, bringing wine and the next morning, the paper towel was gone....and yes, this time they were in the garbage.

Recently, I was getting ready to do a writing assignment for school. It was Sunday, we had been given 2 weeks to do it, and it was due Monday. (Why do now what you can put off til the last minute?) You tell my kids that I said that and I will kick your ass!

So, I gather all my materials and I go to retrieve my assignment sheet in my car, and it's NOT THERE! Oh my God! What do I do??? We cleaned my car out! I go to the TRASH, (the big bin outside) and I start to dig through it. No Assignment Sheet to be found.

I am now officially in Panic Mode.

After a liter of sweat, I calmly retraced my steps and drove to the school where my bus is parked and found it securely placed in my clipboard. Whew!

And then I came home to shower the 'trashy' feel off me and I started working on the assignment.

In class the next night, The Evil One called role, and as he did, walked around the room and glanced, YES GLANCED, at everyone's paper.

He truly is The Evil One.

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Thursday, November 13, 2008

Chestnuts roasting on an open......hey, that's not a chestnut!

Yes, my friends...that is a WATERMELON.

Not just any watermelon...I bought this baby for the July 4th weekend.

We forgot to eat it.

It made itself at home on my kitchen counter and for some reason, we all forgot it was there.

Labor day weekend was upon us and I made a mental note..EAT WATERMELON.

And we forgot again...

You think that it may be rotten or smushy, but it's as firm as the day I bought it.

It's seedless so I don't think there are any seeds in it sprouting roots (how do they do that anyway?)

So what should we do with it? You decide the fate!

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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Alabama Snowman

Mr. Twisted was eating some mints that he got while playing in a golf tournament when he came across a little mint that was 'less than perfect.'

I knew exactly what to do with it! I handed it over to the Youngest Boy and instructed him to put a face on it.

Hey, we take our snowmen as we get them in the South...his will probably be the closest thing we get to a real snowman this year!

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Monday, November 10, 2008

It's official

Mr Twisted and I put up the Halloween decorations yesterday. He said the easiest way was to pull them all out onto the driveway and then organize them and drag them back in.

If I buy any more Halloween decorations, there will be one very realistic display of a crime scene. Kinda like "housewife murdered on front lawn?"

No Joke, moratorium has been enacted. No more, unless something else leaves....hmmm.

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Sunday, November 9, 2008

Flickr is cussing at me

The Blog Verification Trolls have declared war! They seem to have become allies with the Flickr gremlins.

Just you wait...I'm gonna get that new HP TouchSmart and then I am going to GET YOU! I'll be touching that screen all over you and all up in your business! You nasty little fowl mouthed creatures!

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